October 30th,
Can a canvas tell the artist what it's going to be?
In the beginning of this month my mac I had come down to KY with promptly died, obviously I was a bit put out. As time progressed however I have found time to read, pray, and involve myself deeper in my community; most importantly I began to realize that I am being re-constructed. When I left New York I told some of you that I was not going to change, I must apologize for not being a man of my word for I did not know what I spoke of. Love has a way of changing you, a love that could only come from Christ. Yet as I set out to "widen my horizons" and "let go" I realize now that I was still holding on. I was holding on to control, I welcomed change and then beat it over the head when it came inside, for this I am sorrowful. I see now that I have not come to Kentucky to change, I have come to discover who I actually was. That has been somehow hidden from me all these years and it is humbling to awaken to the fact that my faith is so adolescent and my life but in it's infant stages. Whether it is the air in Kentucky or perhaps the mist of the mornings I am unsure, but this I do know; something here has pulled me apart before God and allowed me to slowly be pieced back together, like a master mechanic cleaning a beautiful machine, my heart is being transformed by Christ's love. What does this mean? I do not know. What I know is that it will be a long, beautiful, overpowering, and at times painful process. Even the most beautiful rings must be scorched with fire, and so I look forward to the process that lies before me, as a canvas is eager to be filled so I am eager to be filled. When the time is right for me to attain a new laptop and begin blogging daily I will gleefully do so, but until then know that I miss each and every one of you dearly and have nothing but love and life in my heart. I wish the best to you all, In Christ's grace. Your brother, Carmen~
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
October
October 1st,
Wow. October, it just..... came so fast. I am slightly confused because I actually pulled off nine hours of sleep last night (which is crazy) and yet this morning I was incredibly tired. Yesterday I captured seven and felt great.... oh well. John and I completed a fair amount of underpinning today and will hopefully return to it thursday after assisting Nate with his group. John is a strange guy and I am unsure what to think of him, he has such a dry sense of humor it's almost non-existent. Anyways we had four independents over for dinner and then watched the fifth star wars which was fun. After that I wrote Zach's letter, Skyped Symmer and hung out with Nate and Johnathan. On the work site today I was trying to figure out what to do with my anxiety and depression episodes when something Nate said earlier came to me: I am working on Christ's home, not this man's. I worked for Christ today and that makes me happy.
Wow. October, it just..... came so fast. I am slightly confused because I actually pulled off nine hours of sleep last night (which is crazy) and yet this morning I was incredibly tired. Yesterday I captured seven and felt great.... oh well. John and I completed a fair amount of underpinning today and will hopefully return to it thursday after assisting Nate with his group. John is a strange guy and I am unsure what to think of him, he has such a dry sense of humor it's almost non-existent. Anyways we had four independents over for dinner and then watched the fifth star wars which was fun. After that I wrote Zach's letter, Skyped Symmer and hung out with Nate and Johnathan. On the work site today I was trying to figure out what to do with my anxiety and depression episodes when something Nate said earlier came to me: I am working on Christ's home, not this man's. I worked for Christ today and that makes me happy.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Up Top
September 30th,
It felt good getting back to work today. John and I put up foam and rock-board for underpinning on a trailer out in Prestonsburg, about a forty-five minute drive I think. I wasn't tired either which was cool. I suppose I have gotten a lot of sleep lately actually which is surprising. When I came back I cleaned my room for awhile then helped make fish tacos with Nate and john. I wish I could have eaten them but I don't like fish, oh well, I had chili instead. Our weekly house meeting took a long time and i'm not feeling good tonight as it is. I am questioning a lot of things right now, how much I can and can't communicate with people in NY, how much of a toll certain relationships are having and so on.... it's been a long week and I have some hard stuff to sort out in my head...
It felt good getting back to work today. John and I put up foam and rock-board for underpinning on a trailer out in Prestonsburg, about a forty-five minute drive I think. I wasn't tired either which was cool. I suppose I have gotten a lot of sleep lately actually which is surprising. When I came back I cleaned my room for awhile then helped make fish tacos with Nate and john. I wish I could have eaten them but I don't like fish, oh well, I had chili instead. Our weekly house meeting took a long time and i'm not feeling good tonight as it is. I am questioning a lot of things right now, how much I can and can't communicate with people in NY, how much of a toll certain relationships are having and so on.... it's been a long week and I have some hard stuff to sort out in my head...
Sunday, September 29, 2013
The Other Side
September 26th-29th
I was commissioned friday, and now thinking of it, it was quite surreal. To say it was deep would be shallow. It was emotional, inspiring, exciting, saddening and overwhelming all at once. The candle-lit song was especially difficult and very beautiful. Today I am truly beginning to mold my shape of family within my house and understand who I am going to be with. In the evening I hung out at Jackson, played beyond balderdash, and hung out with Jess, Josef, Sarah, Anna, Priscilla, and Kelsey. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings later on which was pretty fun, I do have to say though I was having a rough evening and my amazing brother John stepped in and asked me how I was doing which in itself made all the difference in the world. Now as for Saturday, oh wait.... I went to bed at ten pm on friday and woke up at three on saturday.. yah. As for the evening of saturday we watched The Silver Linings Playbook and ate pizza. Even later into the night John made apple pie, I went on a walk with someone whom really understands me and watched The Bling Ring by myself (I wasn't really tired) Sunday I went to the union church in Berea then slept through the two and a half hour drive back home. This evening I cleaned up my stuff, played Trivial Pursuit with the house and talked to Nate for awhile about some deep stuff. Oh, and filled out my frustrating paperwork for the month.
I was commissioned friday, and now thinking of it, it was quite surreal. To say it was deep would be shallow. It was emotional, inspiring, exciting, saddening and overwhelming all at once. The candle-lit song was especially difficult and very beautiful. Today I am truly beginning to mold my shape of family within my house and understand who I am going to be with. In the evening I hung out at Jackson, played beyond balderdash, and hung out with Jess, Josef, Sarah, Anna, Priscilla, and Kelsey. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings later on which was pretty fun, I do have to say though I was having a rough evening and my amazing brother John stepped in and asked me how I was doing which in itself made all the difference in the world. Now as for Saturday, oh wait.... I went to bed at ten pm on friday and woke up at three on saturday.. yah. As for the evening of saturday we watched The Silver Linings Playbook and ate pizza. Even later into the night John made apple pie, I went on a walk with someone whom really understands me and watched The Bling Ring by myself (I wasn't really tired) Sunday I went to the union church in Berea then slept through the two and a half hour drive back home. This evening I cleaned up my stuff, played Trivial Pursuit with the house and talked to Nate for awhile about some deep stuff. Oh, and filled out my frustrating paperwork for the month.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
A Time And Place
September 25th,
Honesty.
When we hear this some of us hear truthfulness, some of us bravery, some of us hear idiocy, some of us vulnerability, and some of us fear and pain. The fact is honesty can mean all of these at once and that's why it's so huge, it is an unlimited action, it has no boundaries; the personal reveal of complete honesty will open our frame to construction or destruction. It's easy to skip honesty as a whole though... i mean who would go through all that just to say they're being honest? It's not about just going through the action of being honest. Honesty is synonymous with guilt in the way that it is a path way to a lifestyle not a style of life. Honesty at it's largest is the action of living a singularly motivated lifestyle through our words and actions. This doesn't mean this lifestyle must be instantaneously expressed exposed and unraveled before all eyes, there are times and places for that, this means living as one person based on a singular set of values. How much others know of this walk and where it is is not a matter of honesty it's a choice of transparency. Within all this lies many definitions for many people and what we do with this will decide whether we are ready to grow or not.
Honesty.
When we hear this some of us hear truthfulness, some of us bravery, some of us hear idiocy, some of us vulnerability, and some of us fear and pain. The fact is honesty can mean all of these at once and that's why it's so huge, it is an unlimited action, it has no boundaries; the personal reveal of complete honesty will open our frame to construction or destruction. It's easy to skip honesty as a whole though... i mean who would go through all that just to say they're being honest? It's not about just going through the action of being honest. Honesty is synonymous with guilt in the way that it is a path way to a lifestyle not a style of life. Honesty at it's largest is the action of living a singularly motivated lifestyle through our words and actions. This doesn't mean this lifestyle must be instantaneously expressed exposed and unraveled before all eyes, there are times and places for that, this means living as one person based on a singular set of values. How much others know of this walk and where it is is not a matter of honesty it's a choice of transparency. Within all this lies many definitions for many people and what we do with this will decide whether we are ready to grow or not.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Invest In Each Other
September 24th,
We talked about being invested in our community yesterday. We talked about giving up your time and energy for others. These things are great on paper but in person, oh they are so much more different and so often difficult. I am realizing now how much we need each other, how much we really, truly need someone, maybe even a stranger to ask us how we're doing and how we're feeling. This looks completely different in every situation but it's the same concept at heart: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I want someone to ask how my day was, I want someone to care how I am, want to share my joys and pains and in the end.... I don't want to be alone. So I determine what that would look like in action and do the same for others. We are often quick to admit we have many problems, but why cant we consider that of others? We talk our talks and walk our walks as if we had no clue we are all screwed up ti'll someone tells us so. I'm going to make an absolute general statement for every human breathing today; Every single person is struggling every single day. So be kind, don't throw on that label, talk to them, and show them you care.
We talked about being invested in our community yesterday. We talked about giving up your time and energy for others. These things are great on paper but in person, oh they are so much more different and so often difficult. I am realizing now how much we need each other, how much we really, truly need someone, maybe even a stranger to ask us how we're doing and how we're feeling. This looks completely different in every situation but it's the same concept at heart: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I want someone to ask how my day was, I want someone to care how I am, want to share my joys and pains and in the end.... I don't want to be alone. So I determine what that would look like in action and do the same for others. We are often quick to admit we have many problems, but why cant we consider that of others? We talk our talks and walk our walks as if we had no clue we are all screwed up ti'll someone tells us so. I'm going to make an absolute general statement for every human breathing today; Every single person is struggling every single day. So be kind, don't throw on that label, talk to them, and show them you care.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Day Two
September 23rd,
Not all aspects of my orientation are as splendorous or grand as others. History is enlightening but not entertaining, procedure is necessary but not amusing. But these things had to be covered none the less. I'm considerably tired at the moment so with that in mind I regret to leave this entry so barren and no doubt there were many happenings today but alas, even I need some sleep.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
The Commitment Project
September 22nd,
Commitment, it may very well be the most human trait.
A robot has objectives, calculated cold hard A or B choices. Thank God we're not like that, we can choose our commitment. Yes we can choose what we're committed too, we cannot however choose our attitude of commitment, we are always going to be committed to something. No? What do you want when you lie down at night? That's what you're committed too. Alright so we're committed but to what? That's up to you, no one but you can choose your commitments. Where we invest our love, we have placed our whole commitment. We will commit to what we are passionate about because that's just it; the beauty of being human is that our hearts dictate our commitments not the other way. Maybe you know what commitment looks like already, maybe not. Maybe your biggest commitment is your sports team, maybe you've given your very life for your country, maybe you've given your time to orphans and special needs children, maybe.... maybe you've made a commitment to something bigger than yourself. Today, I committed to something so much bigger than myself. Today I was awakened to the gravity of what I have committed myself too. Today I signed up to unconditionally serve, learn, lead and love the people of appalachia and my fellow volunteers. This is not a light matter in my mind, this is big. I have said " This is where my heart will expend, this is where I will invest my effort and emotion." and I meant that. Appalachian people are now my people, these volunteers are now my brothers and sisters, this place, oh this beautiful place is now home. I am going to spend the next five days in orientation figuring out how much that really means.
Commitment, it may very well be the most human trait.
A robot has objectives, calculated cold hard A or B choices. Thank God we're not like that, we can choose our commitment. Yes we can choose what we're committed too, we cannot however choose our attitude of commitment, we are always going to be committed to something. No? What do you want when you lie down at night? That's what you're committed too. Alright so we're committed but to what? That's up to you, no one but you can choose your commitments. Where we invest our love, we have placed our whole commitment. We will commit to what we are passionate about because that's just it; the beauty of being human is that our hearts dictate our commitments not the other way. Maybe you know what commitment looks like already, maybe not. Maybe your biggest commitment is your sports team, maybe you've given your very life for your country, maybe you've given your time to orphans and special needs children, maybe.... maybe you've made a commitment to something bigger than yourself. Today, I committed to something so much bigger than myself. Today I was awakened to the gravity of what I have committed myself too. Today I signed up to unconditionally serve, learn, lead and love the people of appalachia and my fellow volunteers. This is not a light matter in my mind, this is big. I have said " This is where my heart will expend, this is where I will invest my effort and emotion." and I meant that. Appalachian people are now my people, these volunteers are now my brothers and sisters, this place, oh this beautiful place is now home. I am going to spend the next five days in orientation figuring out how much that really means.
Wait, You're Going Too Fast
September 21st,
To a point I can afford to say this day has been arguably the best spread on the bread of CAP ever since the bread of the experience had been baked. Ten am was a beautiful time to awake and what goes even better with the soul is three hours of therapy questions with a house full of people you hardly know. Total bum status has now been reached, it's two pm and no one stands but we all wish we had somewhere to go, so we do. Me, Erinn, Symmer, and Teleia go to walmart, we only appear mildly drunk but oh well, mello yellow makes everything better. The day is yet to see it's maturity. It's eight pm and we're driving out to the local drive-in theatre to see Percy Jackson S.O.M. and The Heat, even if the movies weren't all that great the amount of fumbling and flopping about we made was substitute enough for any lack of action or humor. Now we're back but no, we're not tired. Step Up, it's two in the am but whatever, a movie together is a thousand times better than eye's darkening in silence. Three-thirty, Katy Perry's documentary.... what?? why am I watching this.... hold on, i'm not, i'm in my room my mac says 4:44 Sunday, September 22. Funny. I thought time passed by the day, I guess these one's come in seconds. Yesterday followed today's heals so viciously it's loosing it's breath and today is following tomorrow with such lust that it's taking my breath. I thought we we're going to remember time, I thought all those years would be memory but they're not, they're emotion. They're feeling, they're a color in my heart, collages of emotion become paintings of pain, paintings of pain become masterpieces of grace, and now, now there's nothing but a love. A love for what we all aim for, this hope we pursue, it's racing by so fast how will we grab on? Conceptional thought becomes ideas, ideas intent, intent, action, action behavior, and behavior lifestyle. Wait! I'm ninety-five, i'm dying. Was that how short it was? I guess I didn't have that much time to decide after all. Lord, take me with you.
To a point I can afford to say this day has been arguably the best spread on the bread of CAP ever since the bread of the experience had been baked. Ten am was a beautiful time to awake and what goes even better with the soul is three hours of therapy questions with a house full of people you hardly know. Total bum status has now been reached, it's two pm and no one stands but we all wish we had somewhere to go, so we do. Me, Erinn, Symmer, and Teleia go to walmart, we only appear mildly drunk but oh well, mello yellow makes everything better. The day is yet to see it's maturity. It's eight pm and we're driving out to the local drive-in theatre to see Percy Jackson S.O.M. and The Heat, even if the movies weren't all that great the amount of fumbling and flopping about we made was substitute enough for any lack of action or humor. Now we're back but no, we're not tired. Step Up, it's two in the am but whatever, a movie together is a thousand times better than eye's darkening in silence. Three-thirty, Katy Perry's documentary.... what?? why am I watching this.... hold on, i'm not, i'm in my room my mac says 4:44 Sunday, September 22. Funny. I thought time passed by the day, I guess these one's come in seconds. Yesterday followed today's heals so viciously it's loosing it's breath and today is following tomorrow with such lust that it's taking my breath. I thought we we're going to remember time, I thought all those years would be memory but they're not, they're emotion. They're feeling, they're a color in my heart, collages of emotion become paintings of pain, paintings of pain become masterpieces of grace, and now, now there's nothing but a love. A love for what we all aim for, this hope we pursue, it's racing by so fast how will we grab on? Conceptional thought becomes ideas, ideas intent, intent, action, action behavior, and behavior lifestyle. Wait! I'm ninety-five, i'm dying. Was that how short it was? I guess I didn't have that much time to decide after all. Lord, take me with you.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Castle Contra
September 20th,
Our regular driver Jim has found himself ill for the past two days and so a kind volunteer from our housing department offered to work an extra day (typically housing works mon-thur) and give us a hand on site which was very kind of her. Before heading to our site we we're prompted with several trips of hardware to move and stack plus a pull-behind and a full pick up to unload currently stuffed with furniture and fixings. Once our days work had been completed I cleaned up, packed, and headed out to meet a large amount of other CAP volunteers at a hot air ballon blow off in Beria. Beria itself is a relaxed, down to earth hipster town and so naturally I was instantaneously entranced with it's inhabitants as I was equally so with it's visage; It is as if the people here have not yet figured out our secret recipe of consumption and self-absorbed, self-righteous, self-conciousness. Contra dancing soon followed and before long I find myself seated in this large dark room, all others have set their minds at peace while I habitually record the colors I have seen at two thirty am. I will be staying here at Rock Castle House until next sunday, however this sunday through friday is our CAP orientation which will be fantastic but most certainly tiring. For now it is sufficient to say that I have family here in CAP and I love every one of them as my very blood. The Lord has been good to me.
Our regular driver Jim has found himself ill for the past two days and so a kind volunteer from our housing department offered to work an extra day (typically housing works mon-thur) and give us a hand on site which was very kind of her. Before heading to our site we we're prompted with several trips of hardware to move and stack plus a pull-behind and a full pick up to unload currently stuffed with furniture and fixings. Once our days work had been completed I cleaned up, packed, and headed out to meet a large amount of other CAP volunteers at a hot air ballon blow off in Beria. Beria itself is a relaxed, down to earth hipster town and so naturally I was instantaneously entranced with it's inhabitants as I was equally so with it's visage; It is as if the people here have not yet figured out our secret recipe of consumption and self-absorbed, self-righteous, self-conciousness. Contra dancing soon followed and before long I find myself seated in this large dark room, all others have set their minds at peace while I habitually record the colors I have seen at two thirty am. I will be staying here at Rock Castle House until next sunday, however this sunday through friday is our CAP orientation which will be fantastic but most certainly tiring. For now it is sufficient to say that I have family here in CAP and I love every one of them as my very blood. The Lord has been good to me.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Look Down
September 19th,
Not everything can be written in this blog, there are yet still those things which are better left for a personal journal and maybe a friend. To be simplistic I will say that some of us see our pain in the mirror and some when we look down. I handed out food to the elderly today and cleaned an old shed, overall a nice slow day and well finished with a house wide game of picture telephone
Not everything can be written in this blog, there are yet still those things which are better left for a personal journal and maybe a friend. To be simplistic I will say that some of us see our pain in the mirror and some when we look down. I handed out food to the elderly today and cleaned an old shed, overall a nice slow day and well finished with a house wide game of picture telephone
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Sons Of Day
September 18th,
A beautiful scene was thrown across the mountains on the way to work today; the cold dark breath of the night still lingered about the valleys now washed pale as a blue haze in retreat from a thousand shades of gold racing across the ridges threatening it's advance. Somewhere in between lay an ominous but beautiful mist effortlessly melding the trees in which it also hid from it's vanquisher now exiling it's congregation until dark once again longed for it's company. Unconcerned lay wrinkle after wrinkle of ridge and valley quietly and haughtily watching as dawn and dusk, morning and moonlight, and all sons of day fought for it's canvas, show-roomed for the stars to admire, on which to boast of their grandeur.
A beautiful scene was thrown across the mountains on the way to work today; the cold dark breath of the night still lingered about the valleys now washed pale as a blue haze in retreat from a thousand shades of gold racing across the ridges threatening it's advance. Somewhere in between lay an ominous but beautiful mist effortlessly melding the trees in which it also hid from it's vanquisher now exiling it's congregation until dark once again longed for it's company. Unconcerned lay wrinkle after wrinkle of ridge and valley quietly and haughtily watching as dawn and dusk, morning and moonlight, and all sons of day fought for it's canvas, show-roomed for the stars to admire, on which to boast of their grandeur.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Life Is Better In Pj's
September 17th,
I love a good work day, untainted, unrestrained and productive. I was neither tired nor sick today, I am caught up on my sleep and am eating more than the weekend. I came home from building yet another eight by eight deck (complete with rails) and turned up some beautiful dubstep, showered, and put on pajama pants a dress shirt and vest. Who cares if it matches, it's comfortable. I caught up on my blog, and tonight I will work on one of six currently pending letters (Quinn, Carissa, Zach, Ben, Chloe & Family) and hopefully be able to start packing for our official CAP volunteer orientation (a week at a summer camp two hours from here) beginning this friday.
I love a good work day, untainted, unrestrained and productive. I was neither tired nor sick today, I am caught up on my sleep and am eating more than the weekend. I came home from building yet another eight by eight deck (complete with rails) and turned up some beautiful dubstep, showered, and put on pajama pants a dress shirt and vest. Who cares if it matches, it's comfortable. I caught up on my blog, and tonight I will work on one of six currently pending letters (Quinn, Carissa, Zach, Ben, Chloe & Family) and hopefully be able to start packing for our official CAP volunteer orientation (a week at a summer camp two hours from here) beginning this friday.
The Shadow Of Death
September 16th,
Nothing about Christ is limited but our understanding of Him.
"everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not my will but what you will..." Jesus said this in his moment of pain, in his suffering he cried out to his father and asked, "Dad, I will obey but must I go through this?" This is not unfaithfulness, this is not abandonment, and in Christ's sake it is not even doubt. This is a man, as human as you and I going through an immense amount of pain and suffering simply wishing there was another way and if not then he was willing and obedient to go through whatever lied before him. This is Christ. The messiah and Almighty, the King of Nations and sovereign God who cries out in his hour of suffering and literally says " My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow, even to the point of death." Christ allowed himself to be fully man so that he might feel man's pain and be one of us; even as he was simultaneously God. The pain and sheer sorrow he felt literally brought him to his knees, sweating blood and consumed to the point of death. We will face times of sorrow, perhaps not to such intensity as sweating blood but we know this to be true. There is no shortage of pain in this world. If Christ cries out to his father in pain how much more do we, we who are helpless, meritless, and defeated need our savior? How long will we suffer at the knees of a god who loves us unconditionally? Some of this is not uncommon to you and me. Tonight, as with many others have I been overcome to the point of death; I feel no strength to live, life seems but a dark void ripping meaning in half and spitting my efforts out in disgust. Why this was I cannot place, but this is not the important part, what matters now is what I do with this feeling when it is all but consumed me. I went on a walk, I asked friends to pray for me and listen. I told God how I felt, and asked him to take it away. In this same way Christ went about the pain he was in; He asked his friends to be with him, pray for him, and stay with him. Then, in desperate need to talk to his father and be momentarily alone he went off into the garden where he prayed, he told God how he felt and asked him to take it away..... but that's not all. Notice how he says "Yet, which means even in this pain, it is not my will but yours." This here is where we fail to face our struggles, we are willing to cry out but unwilling to let it hurt. We want Christ to be there for us and yet also be the magic word of make it all feel better. Sometimes this will happen and your sorrow will be lifted but often there is more down the road, there is a lesson to come out or a fear we must express. Whatever it is it's not too big for Christ, or too complicated, or too dark, or too foreign. He understands the point of ultimate suffering, he is with you through it all to the very end and will never abandon you. When you're in that valley and you cannot see a light know that Christ can and do the same and don't give up on him like he wont on you.
Nothing about Christ is limited but our understanding of Him.
"everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not my will but what you will..." Jesus said this in his moment of pain, in his suffering he cried out to his father and asked, "Dad, I will obey but must I go through this?" This is not unfaithfulness, this is not abandonment, and in Christ's sake it is not even doubt. This is a man, as human as you and I going through an immense amount of pain and suffering simply wishing there was another way and if not then he was willing and obedient to go through whatever lied before him. This is Christ. The messiah and Almighty, the King of Nations and sovereign God who cries out in his hour of suffering and literally says " My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow, even to the point of death." Christ allowed himself to be fully man so that he might feel man's pain and be one of us; even as he was simultaneously God. The pain and sheer sorrow he felt literally brought him to his knees, sweating blood and consumed to the point of death. We will face times of sorrow, perhaps not to such intensity as sweating blood but we know this to be true. There is no shortage of pain in this world. If Christ cries out to his father in pain how much more do we, we who are helpless, meritless, and defeated need our savior? How long will we suffer at the knees of a god who loves us unconditionally? Some of this is not uncommon to you and me. Tonight, as with many others have I been overcome to the point of death; I feel no strength to live, life seems but a dark void ripping meaning in half and spitting my efforts out in disgust. Why this was I cannot place, but this is not the important part, what matters now is what I do with this feeling when it is all but consumed me. I went on a walk, I asked friends to pray for me and listen. I told God how I felt, and asked him to take it away. In this same way Christ went about the pain he was in; He asked his friends to be with him, pray for him, and stay with him. Then, in desperate need to talk to his father and be momentarily alone he went off into the garden where he prayed, he told God how he felt and asked him to take it away..... but that's not all. Notice how he says "Yet, which means even in this pain, it is not my will but yours." This here is where we fail to face our struggles, we are willing to cry out but unwilling to let it hurt. We want Christ to be there for us and yet also be the magic word of make it all feel better. Sometimes this will happen and your sorrow will be lifted but often there is more down the road, there is a lesson to come out or a fear we must express. Whatever it is it's not too big for Christ, or too complicated, or too dark, or too foreign. He understands the point of ultimate suffering, he is with you through it all to the very end and will never abandon you. When you're in that valley and you cannot see a light know that Christ can and do the same and don't give up on him like he wont on you.
Diverse Days
September 15th,
Wow. Today was packed. Off to an early start at MCF (church) where I was feeling a little out of it but certainly enjoyed the breakfast, community time, and most of all an eye-opening sermon by Jason on taking off our super christian costume and living by true grace..... I wish I could reinstitute what had been said but I am sadly inadequate to represent such eminent theorems and stirring truths as was served on the plate of scripture this morning through Christ's truth. Gears realigned in the following time as Rock Castle Mount Vernon and Johnson (now including Floyd) members began one-by-one jumping off a thirty foot ledge powerfully looming a beautiful inlet of seamless, pastel painted lake for the rest of the day. Some went slowly, some instantaneously but all entered and had a phenomenal time jumping, laughing and teasing as each tried your nerves (especially the 50 ft.) In the evening as the night came over and goodbye's were exchanged I began to feel off, i'm not sure why but there is an unsettledness to this night, although I was able to write two pages of a letter and get to bed somewhat on time.
Wow. Today was packed. Off to an early start at MCF (church) where I was feeling a little out of it but certainly enjoyed the breakfast, community time, and most of all an eye-opening sermon by Jason on taking off our super christian costume and living by true grace..... I wish I could reinstitute what had been said but I am sadly inadequate to represent such eminent theorems and stirring truths as was served on the plate of scripture this morning through Christ's truth. Gears realigned in the following time as Rock Castle Mount Vernon and Johnson (now including Floyd) members began one-by-one jumping off a thirty foot ledge powerfully looming a beautiful inlet of seamless, pastel painted lake for the rest of the day. Some went slowly, some instantaneously but all entered and had a phenomenal time jumping, laughing and teasing as each tried your nerves (especially the 50 ft.) In the evening as the night came over and goodbye's were exchanged I began to feel off, i'm not sure why but there is an unsettledness to this night, although I was able to write two pages of a letter and get to bed somewhat on time.
Rock Castle
September 14th,
As is typical for saturdays I cleaned things up, did some chores, straightened the room and listened to a ton of music. The evening however was quite different, We (J-house) had a number of people over tonight from Rock Castle House and Mount Vernon. Most showed up around six and we kicked off the night from there. We ate together, we had devotions and then played an enormous game of catch phrase. Later on we had a bonfire, smores and just sat around talking for quite some time, about CAP, about tattoos and piercings, about home and family and a whole bunch more. Tomorrow we're going cliff jumping!
As is typical for saturdays I cleaned things up, did some chores, straightened the room and listened to a ton of music. The evening however was quite different, We (J-house) had a number of people over tonight from Rock Castle House and Mount Vernon. Most showed up around six and we kicked off the night from there. We ate together, we had devotions and then played an enormous game of catch phrase. Later on we had a bonfire, smores and just sat around talking for quite some time, about CAP, about tattoos and piercings, about home and family and a whole bunch more. Tomorrow we're going cliff jumping!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Where Your Treasure Is
September 13th,
1 Corinthians 10:31 So whether you eat, or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
Our hobbies, they are an enormous part of who we are, they can characterize, centralize, create, contain, culminate, and conduct who we are and what we do. What we give our optional time to is very important. The word hobby means: "a regularly undertaken activity that is done for pleasure, typically during one's leisure time" The key here is the purpose of the hobby and that is pleasure; how much precedence does our pleasure have in life? there are of course extremes, for example the definition of heathenism is the worship of pleasure (not the pursuit). And on the other side we have european cults who peel flesh off their backs each day to show their lowliness. Somewhere they missed the point, if we live solely for our pleasures we have entirely missed the message of our creator and savior and will find our toys and trinkets emptied into an eternal void of pain and emptiness. If we demonize these things we will be so biased against the idea in general that we will deter those who would pursue something worth while and therefore be no example of Christ and entirely miss our purpose in reaching out. In C.S. Lewis's book The Screwtape Letters we find the demon wormwood's master admitting, "We can create nothing good, in fact we cant even replicate any type of enjoyment or pleasure, we can only twist what the enemy has already made". Yes, this means our Lord is the creator of pleasure, everything from a beauty of the flower to the intimacy of sex, it is all His. Nothing good, pleasurable or true is existing except through Him. Yes these things have been severely twisted, it's awful what we've done and that is something else entirely for another time. Having said that the mutilation and horrification that has entered our entertainment still cannot drown the beauty and peace of their original forms. So if there are honorable/worthwhile means of pleasure should they be pursued? To what extent? If we look at Christ's plan for humanity he clearly intends for us to live in the most exhilarating state of joy, fulfillment and pleasure possible. In the garden, he made everything perfect, pleasure had not to be sought because they were immersed in it. When we pass this world we go to a place of pure joy, pure enjoyment, ultimate fulfillment, and peace. See it's not that we weren't meant to be fulfilled, it's what we're fulfilled with. Your hobbies reflect what you see fulfillment in; it's a simple science. I have been wading through some options here in kentucky, I would love to play guitar, I would love to get a hold of a Nikon or Canon and start shooting, I would love to work out more and get into a good routine, I want to write more, and more often, I want to become fluent in calligraphy, I want to learn German...... There are endless outlets for what I can do down here, I can play tennis, I can play video games, I can play an instrument and so many more.... It's not all good options either, there's plenty of habits around me that are very bad for me, right at the tip of my fingers. J.R.R. Tolken said, "Man has but to extend his hand and take the power for his own." I hope it's obvious by now that we are immersed, surrounded and saturated in a world of pleasures, and avenues of fulfillment, the question is not of this for sure. The question is what, what is worth putting your time into? When you're seventy-five how many Zelda games will you remember? When I'm old and gray I can open my drawer and read that letter she gave me years ago and find joy, encouragement and hope. Some things are worth pursuing, some aren't. What these things are, what they will look like, and what commodity they come in is up to you but let me say this. Are you proud of it?
Colossians 3:23
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters....
1 Corinthians 10:31 So whether you eat, or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
Our hobbies, they are an enormous part of who we are, they can characterize, centralize, create, contain, culminate, and conduct who we are and what we do. What we give our optional time to is very important. The word hobby means: "a regularly undertaken activity that is done for pleasure, typically during one's leisure time" The key here is the purpose of the hobby and that is pleasure; how much precedence does our pleasure have in life? there are of course extremes, for example the definition of heathenism is the worship of pleasure (not the pursuit). And on the other side we have european cults who peel flesh off their backs each day to show their lowliness. Somewhere they missed the point, if we live solely for our pleasures we have entirely missed the message of our creator and savior and will find our toys and trinkets emptied into an eternal void of pain and emptiness. If we demonize these things we will be so biased against the idea in general that we will deter those who would pursue something worth while and therefore be no example of Christ and entirely miss our purpose in reaching out. In C.S. Lewis's book The Screwtape Letters we find the demon wormwood's master admitting, "We can create nothing good, in fact we cant even replicate any type of enjoyment or pleasure, we can only twist what the enemy has already made". Yes, this means our Lord is the creator of pleasure, everything from a beauty of the flower to the intimacy of sex, it is all His. Nothing good, pleasurable or true is existing except through Him. Yes these things have been severely twisted, it's awful what we've done and that is something else entirely for another time. Having said that the mutilation and horrification that has entered our entertainment still cannot drown the beauty and peace of their original forms. So if there are honorable/worthwhile means of pleasure should they be pursued? To what extent? If we look at Christ's plan for humanity he clearly intends for us to live in the most exhilarating state of joy, fulfillment and pleasure possible. In the garden, he made everything perfect, pleasure had not to be sought because they were immersed in it. When we pass this world we go to a place of pure joy, pure enjoyment, ultimate fulfillment, and peace. See it's not that we weren't meant to be fulfilled, it's what we're fulfilled with. Your hobbies reflect what you see fulfillment in; it's a simple science. I have been wading through some options here in kentucky, I would love to play guitar, I would love to get a hold of a Nikon or Canon and start shooting, I would love to work out more and get into a good routine, I want to write more, and more often, I want to become fluent in calligraphy, I want to learn German...... There are endless outlets for what I can do down here, I can play tennis, I can play video games, I can play an instrument and so many more.... It's not all good options either, there's plenty of habits around me that are very bad for me, right at the tip of my fingers. J.R.R. Tolken said, "Man has but to extend his hand and take the power for his own." I hope it's obvious by now that we are immersed, surrounded and saturated in a world of pleasures, and avenues of fulfillment, the question is not of this for sure. The question is what, what is worth putting your time into? When you're seventy-five how many Zelda games will you remember? When I'm old and gray I can open my drawer and read that letter she gave me years ago and find joy, encouragement and hope. Some things are worth pursuing, some aren't. What these things are, what they will look like, and what commodity they come in is up to you but let me say this. Are you proud of it?
Colossians 3:23
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters....
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Sleep, It's Magical
September 12th,
"Early to bed, early to rise. Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise" ...... Enough said.
"Early to bed, early to rise. Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise" ...... Enough said.
To Honor Them
September 11th,
That date haunts us. That date reminds us. That date means more than a day passed.
I was but a child when the attacks happened, camped with my family on an island between the U.S. and Canada. It meant nothing to me at the time, how could it? When we are young we have little to no sense of patriotism, country, and least of all death. Of course this was not a war but people were dying and it had no connection whatsoever with my life as far as I was concerned. I care not to ink my hands with the glue of politics, as it stands corruption is our new currency and power the new object of obsession. Matters of state, militant action, and political advancements mean little to the youth of our nation, we hear more truth from youtube than from Washington. Nine-Eleven though, this was no political advance as far as i'm concerned, this was no intricate militant stratagems, this was our neighbors, husbands, brothers, wives and daughters being slaughtered. We witnessed our loved ones jumping sixty stories to the pavement, we witnessed floors of men and women vanish in an inferno of flame before our eyes. We watched as the hate of a broken world took the lives of those who were victimized that day. We, America, saw with our very eyes, a picture of hate being embodied and love portrayed (in the aftermath). Yes we remember those who died, but remembered? That's it? Had they been given a second chance would they lie around and wait for it to happen again? No. By god there is action to be taken, there are people in absolute desperate need of the gospel, the same people who would do these things, there is a nation (our own) to be shown that until we can support each-other in honest love we can never face the evil that now wishes to destroy us. If you remember that day, if those hundred's of lives ripped away hold but a little sway, than honor them, give recognition to their memories and than take the next step, become part of the solution.
That date haunts us. That date reminds us. That date means more than a day passed.
I was but a child when the attacks happened, camped with my family on an island between the U.S. and Canada. It meant nothing to me at the time, how could it? When we are young we have little to no sense of patriotism, country, and least of all death. Of course this was not a war but people were dying and it had no connection whatsoever with my life as far as I was concerned. I care not to ink my hands with the glue of politics, as it stands corruption is our new currency and power the new object of obsession. Matters of state, militant action, and political advancements mean little to the youth of our nation, we hear more truth from youtube than from Washington. Nine-Eleven though, this was no political advance as far as i'm concerned, this was no intricate militant stratagems, this was our neighbors, husbands, brothers, wives and daughters being slaughtered. We witnessed our loved ones jumping sixty stories to the pavement, we witnessed floors of men and women vanish in an inferno of flame before our eyes. We watched as the hate of a broken world took the lives of those who were victimized that day. We, America, saw with our very eyes, a picture of hate being embodied and love portrayed (in the aftermath). Yes we remember those who died, but remembered? That's it? Had they been given a second chance would they lie around and wait for it to happen again? No. By god there is action to be taken, there are people in absolute desperate need of the gospel, the same people who would do these things, there is a nation (our own) to be shown that until we can support each-other in honest love we can never face the evil that now wishes to destroy us. If you remember that day, if those hundred's of lives ripped away hold but a little sway, than honor them, give recognition to their memories and than take the next step, become part of the solution.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Addressed
September 9th-10th
Yesterday I worked a long, boring, and monotonous day, today was a little different.
today I woke up tired, my cramps came back around breakfast and I couldn't stand. So I called today off, went to my room, and slept. I slept from around eight ti'll three-thirty. I needed this in many ways. WhenI woke up I had a new energy, I cleaned my room, I washed, folded, and put away my laundry, I copied my letters to update my letter journal, I addressed Becky, Bethany, and Venson's letters, I cleaned the living room and dining room, and I put some pages from that journal book everyone added to at my graduation all around my walls. For supper we had sheperd's pie which was a first for me but so, so good. Oh, I almost forgot; Joe, a long term independent stopped by today and said his goodbye's.... Joe was like a Grandpa to me. In many ways he's just like my grandpa, kind, caring, tough on the outside, rough on the edges, and perfect inside. I'm gonna miss him a lot, he was one of those guys who you looked forward to seeing everyday just because he smiled and had something good to say. Anyhow after supper our houses (Johnson & Floyd) met and discussed the joining of our communities and what that means. I look forward to seeing a couple more faces around everyday and filling this place with yet a few more amazing people.
Yesterday I worked a long, boring, and monotonous day, today was a little different.
today I woke up tired, my cramps came back around breakfast and I couldn't stand. So I called today off, went to my room, and slept. I slept from around eight ti'll three-thirty. I needed this in many ways. WhenI woke up I had a new energy, I cleaned my room, I washed, folded, and put away my laundry, I copied my letters to update my letter journal, I addressed Becky, Bethany, and Venson's letters, I cleaned the living room and dining room, and I put some pages from that journal book everyone added to at my graduation all around my walls. For supper we had sheperd's pie which was a first for me but so, so good. Oh, I almost forgot; Joe, a long term independent stopped by today and said his goodbye's.... Joe was like a Grandpa to me. In many ways he's just like my grandpa, kind, caring, tough on the outside, rough on the edges, and perfect inside. I'm gonna miss him a lot, he was one of those guys who you looked forward to seeing everyday just because he smiled and had something good to say. Anyhow after supper our houses (Johnson & Floyd) met and discussed the joining of our communities and what that means. I look forward to seeing a couple more faces around everyday and filling this place with yet a few more amazing people.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
As For Today
September 7th-8th,
This day will take place once.
When you record what happens each and every day you come to realize one beautiful, inescapable fact, each day can is beautifully unique, eternal in the making, and quick to pass. We become so occupied by planning our lives we forget to live them. We will sooner spend days planning a vacation for the family than spend an hour with our kids each night. In the process of trying to fill we become impossible to fulfill and in the process of trying to fulfill we are never filled. Living within each day, consciously giving it your best, is a wonderful way too live. I mean not to say living for the day because the day is for us, not us for the day. We are designed to live focused one day at a time. Psalms puts it in this way: Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it. Sure God made years that are great too, years made out of months, months made out of weeks, and weeks made out of.... days. Our live's are literally too stressful to live even two days at a time, much less weeks at a time. We are worry consumed creatures, burdened with the self-appointed weight of responsibility to try and make ourselves content with our lives. Our attempts at planning a fulfilling life usually either changes nothing or sometimes makes it worse. Some may say that without such planning our lives would fall apart and they would be miserable but are you really preparing or are you stressing? How much worrying will finally fix all our problems? Matthew 6:27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to his life? There's something much bigger at stake here; our faith is portrayed through this lifestyle of daily dependance on God, hence why the lord's prayer says "give us this day our daily bread", not this week or this month, but this one, individual day. We truly rely on God each and every day, we can neither live nor afford to live any other way. What's at stake here is our faith; do we trust Christ enough to lay down our schedules, our elaborate plans and say "Lord, I'm going to live this day, to honor you. Give me the strength to go on"? A man who touched Christ, saw him, knew him, and heard him wanted us to hear this clear message: Matthew 6:31-34 So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own.
We have been forgiven for our pasts, we do not need to carry the burden of our past nor our future, only that of which we are shouldered with each day. If you're trying to build a future you wont regret than live a day you will remember.
This day will take place once.
When you record what happens each and every day you come to realize one beautiful, inescapable fact, each day can is beautifully unique, eternal in the making, and quick to pass. We become so occupied by planning our lives we forget to live them. We will sooner spend days planning a vacation for the family than spend an hour with our kids each night. In the process of trying to fill we become impossible to fulfill and in the process of trying to fulfill we are never filled. Living within each day, consciously giving it your best, is a wonderful way too live. I mean not to say living for the day because the day is for us, not us for the day. We are designed to live focused one day at a time. Psalms puts it in this way: Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it. Sure God made years that are great too, years made out of months, months made out of weeks, and weeks made out of.... days. Our live's are literally too stressful to live even two days at a time, much less weeks at a time. We are worry consumed creatures, burdened with the self-appointed weight of responsibility to try and make ourselves content with our lives. Our attempts at planning a fulfilling life usually either changes nothing or sometimes makes it worse. Some may say that without such planning our lives would fall apart and they would be miserable but are you really preparing or are you stressing? How much worrying will finally fix all our problems? Matthew 6:27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to his life? There's something much bigger at stake here; our faith is portrayed through this lifestyle of daily dependance on God, hence why the lord's prayer says "give us this day our daily bread", not this week or this month, but this one, individual day. We truly rely on God each and every day, we can neither live nor afford to live any other way. What's at stake here is our faith; do we trust Christ enough to lay down our schedules, our elaborate plans and say "Lord, I'm going to live this day, to honor you. Give me the strength to go on"? A man who touched Christ, saw him, knew him, and heard him wanted us to hear this clear message: Matthew 6:31-34 So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own.
We have been forgiven for our pasts, we do not need to carry the burden of our past nor our future, only that of which we are shouldered with each day. If you're trying to build a future you wont regret than live a day you will remember.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Well Spent
September 6th,
I'm really happy with what my team accomplished today, we went from no ramp whatsoever to forty-five feet of boxes installed, decked, mostly railed and even some top rail, spindling and tar paper. In just one day? I got to say, I didn't see this coming. It turns out we've got one master carpenter already, and an electrician who has had some moderate experience decking as well, not too bad. Overall the day was quite successful, now granted it was way too hot, but besides that, I feel we knocked off a gigantic part of our job today. This evening we lit a bonfire, hung out, and I made some new friends amongst our group. It was a long day I will admit, but well spent.
I'm really happy with what my team accomplished today, we went from no ramp whatsoever to forty-five feet of boxes installed, decked, mostly railed and even some top rail, spindling and tar paper. In just one day? I got to say, I didn't see this coming. It turns out we've got one master carpenter already, and an electrician who has had some moderate experience decking as well, not too bad. Overall the day was quite successful, now granted it was way too hot, but besides that, I feel we knocked off a gigantic part of our job today. This evening we lit a bonfire, hung out, and I made some new friends amongst our group. It was a long day I will admit, but well spent.
Quick Start
September 5th,
Thursday seemed to go by so slowly, being the first day I have led a group I suppose the nervousness didn't help pass the time. Around noon, which was already half way through the day for me, our Texas Roadhouse volunteer group arrived at the Foley Mission Center to begin their weekend of work. Labor day weekend as I recall was not particularly resting for me and so by the time we had hit thursday I was a little drawn out. My team however hit the ground running; we went out from two ti'll six thirty today and pieced together an eight by eight deck while there which was good progress for only four volunteers in four hours. By the end of the day I wasn't actually so tired.... I suppose I had become excited to see this doubted project come to completion based on what I saw today.
Thursday seemed to go by so slowly, being the first day I have led a group I suppose the nervousness didn't help pass the time. Around noon, which was already half way through the day for me, our Texas Roadhouse volunteer group arrived at the Foley Mission Center to begin their weekend of work. Labor day weekend as I recall was not particularly resting for me and so by the time we had hit thursday I was a little drawn out. My team however hit the ground running; we went out from two ti'll six thirty today and pieced together an eight by eight deck while there which was good progress for only four volunteers in four hours. By the end of the day I wasn't actually so tired.... I suppose I had become excited to see this doubted project come to completion based on what I saw today.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Zombieland
September 4th,
It seems that if I get little sleep two nights in a row than i'm tired two nights in a row..... strange. Today I played the zombie game, it goes like this: I sit in the hallway staring at my toothbrush until Nate comes by and directs me to the bathroom where I brush my teeth and stare at the mirror ti'll I hear him making breakfast so I go to the kitchen, eat and then stare at my plate. At this point Nate so kindly informs me that I need to be putting my shoes on and so I do and then continue to walk down the road occasionally stopping to gaze at rocks. The drive to work is similar, I sleep and Nate explains out job site. It's a wonderful game really. Not that I haven't had a wonderful day, I have, and I have many letters to write as well but the fact is I care not to repeat the zombie game tomorrow especially because I am leading a group of eight adults on a three day ramp beginning tomorrow.
It seems that if I get little sleep two nights in a row than i'm tired two nights in a row..... strange. Today I played the zombie game, it goes like this: I sit in the hallway staring at my toothbrush until Nate comes by and directs me to the bathroom where I brush my teeth and stare at the mirror ti'll I hear him making breakfast so I go to the kitchen, eat and then stare at my plate. At this point Nate so kindly informs me that I need to be putting my shoes on and so I do and then continue to walk down the road occasionally stopping to gaze at rocks. The drive to work is similar, I sleep and Nate explains out job site. It's a wonderful game really. Not that I haven't had a wonderful day, I have, and I have many letters to write as well but the fact is I care not to repeat the zombie game tomorrow especially because I am leading a group of eight adults on a three day ramp beginning tomorrow.
Manageable Schedules
September 3rd,
Typically I try and avoid procrastination bed syndrome but this morning proved unshakeable as I lay there staring at my clock knowing I should get up. Luckily for me my day progressed quite slowly; we (Jeff and I) began by deviating from our regularly patterned work to go shopping at Walmart for an incoming group of seventy staying for three days. What ended up being seven carts of groceries was then lengthily unloaded at our Foley Mission Center thirty minutes away. This entire process was considerably time consuming not to mention the clean out of our truck afterward left us with little time on the job site but that's alright, i'm not sure I would have held up all that great in the heat all day anyways being the bit tired and hazed I was. As evening came though things improved, I was able to have an amazing dinner, a wonderful house devotion, a much needed relaxing time practicing guitar, weights, yoga, and writing.
Typically I try and avoid procrastination bed syndrome but this morning proved unshakeable as I lay there staring at my clock knowing I should get up. Luckily for me my day progressed quite slowly; we (Jeff and I) began by deviating from our regularly patterned work to go shopping at Walmart for an incoming group of seventy staying for three days. What ended up being seven carts of groceries was then lengthily unloaded at our Foley Mission Center thirty minutes away. This entire process was considerably time consuming not to mention the clean out of our truck afterward left us with little time on the job site but that's alright, i'm not sure I would have held up all that great in the heat all day anyways being the bit tired and hazed I was. As evening came though things improved, I was able to have an amazing dinner, a wonderful house devotion, a much needed relaxing time practicing guitar, weights, yoga, and writing.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Yosef
September 2nd,
Feverishly I threw my things together as I scrambled to prepare my self for another day of work failing to take into consideration the obvious fact that today is Hamburge...... I mean, Labor Day. After making some pretty stupid phone calls I was able to re-affirm my assumption that today was indeed Labor Day and that we we're all actually heading out to a party for the day. I was quite relieved to learn this seeing as I had awoken ten minutes before our morning meeting. From here neither I looked pretty challenged due to my incessant head banging during the following car ride accompanied by some very un-intelligent music with alot of wubbu dubbu pufushzzz kawak waka bum. Have you ever noticed that it's impossible to attractively dance in a seatbelt? It's like that really akward moment when your doin' the dolphin in one hand, the wobble in the other, foot stomping and head banging when you look up to realize no one else is dancing, in fact they're watching you quietly, mildly amused and somewhat disturbed. Yeah that would be weird...... anyhow; Our party itself was very fun, tons of great food, dancing, and...... I met a Yosef!!!!! I am literally so psyched about this it's amazing!!
Feverishly I threw my things together as I scrambled to prepare my self for another day of work failing to take into consideration the obvious fact that today is Hamburge...... I mean, Labor Day. After making some pretty stupid phone calls I was able to re-affirm my assumption that today was indeed Labor Day and that we we're all actually heading out to a party for the day. I was quite relieved to learn this seeing as I had awoken ten minutes before our morning meeting. From here neither I looked pretty challenged due to my incessant head banging during the following car ride accompanied by some very un-intelligent music with alot of wubbu dubbu pufushzzz kawak waka bum. Have you ever noticed that it's impossible to attractively dance in a seatbelt? It's like that really akward moment when your doin' the dolphin in one hand, the wobble in the other, foot stomping and head banging when you look up to realize no one else is dancing, in fact they're watching you quietly, mildly amused and somewhat disturbed. Yeah that would be weird...... anyhow; Our party itself was very fun, tons of great food, dancing, and...... I met a Yosef!!!!! I am literally so psyched about this it's amazing!!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Just Yesterday
September 1st,
September? Where has the summer gone? Just yesterday I was sitting with my friends around a fire wondering what we we're going to do with the summer. Now the summer is all but spent and the days have passed like rain on a spring morning. I'm 600 miles from that campfire now, and it's strange to think, I never thought i'd be the one to leave. When came around I wrote another seven page letter then took a long shower that I badly needed. Oh and our last long-term volunteer Christine arrived this evening which was great, we got to meet her parents and talk some about our house/community. I'm pretty tired, I haven't slept in thirty-eight hours..... So I think i'll call it a night.
Couch Potatoism... It's Infectious
August 31st,
I guess today changed moods a lot. When I woke up I wasn't feeling great, in fact I was really tired, and feeling a little sick. I hung around the house for awhile doing absolutely nothing totally void of incentive. I have been wanting to write all day and just can't seem to do anything. Around 7:30 I finally got some motivation, I put some new music on I had just compiled and began writing. I guess I got eight pages out before the night was done, it was actually really easy to be honest. Alright so I didn't actually go to bed either, but I wouldn't trade the conversations I was able to have in that time for all the sleep in the world.
I guess today changed moods a lot. When I woke up I wasn't feeling great, in fact I was really tired, and feeling a little sick. I hung around the house for awhile doing absolutely nothing totally void of incentive. I have been wanting to write all day and just can't seem to do anything. Around 7:30 I finally got some motivation, I put some new music on I had just compiled and began writing. I guess I got eight pages out before the night was done, it was actually really easy to be honest. Alright so I didn't actually go to bed either, but I wouldn't trade the conversations I was able to have in that time for all the sleep in the world.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
That's What It's Like
August 30th,
I found myself with an oddly scheduled day, my tasks were lengthy in the morning but the work day finished well, although, that was only the half of it. After work I received three letters from three amazing friends which made me inexplicably happy. In case you don't understand this let me explain, receiving a letter is like: Finding that board that's fit's perfectly at the end of the day, it's like finding the name to that song you've been psyching out about hearing over and over, it's like sitting alone and out of nowhere someone comes beside you and puts an arm around you, it's like sinking into your bed after a long tiring day, it's like finally getting to dance in that new favorite outfit, it's like finishing that perfect book you've always loved, it's like getting a hug from person you've been hoping to see all week, it's like getting that random call you really needed when you're having a bad day, I needn't say anymore. Soon after this a few of us CAP'ers went to Paintsville Lake to go cliff jumping which ended prematurely in retreat from the incoming night. As the evening grew even later we went on to watch the extended Lord Of The Rings which was cool but I was way too tired.
I found myself with an oddly scheduled day, my tasks were lengthy in the morning but the work day finished well, although, that was only the half of it. After work I received three letters from three amazing friends which made me inexplicably happy. In case you don't understand this let me explain, receiving a letter is like: Finding that board that's fit's perfectly at the end of the day, it's like finding the name to that song you've been psyching out about hearing over and over, it's like sitting alone and out of nowhere someone comes beside you and puts an arm around you, it's like sinking into your bed after a long tiring day, it's like finally getting to dance in that new favorite outfit, it's like finishing that perfect book you've always loved, it's like getting a hug from person you've been hoping to see all week, it's like getting that random call you really needed when you're having a bad day, I needn't say anymore. Soon after this a few of us CAP'ers went to Paintsville Lake to go cliff jumping which ended prematurely in retreat from the incoming night. As the evening grew even later we went on to watch the extended Lord Of The Rings which was cool but I was way too tired.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Another Day, And It's Beautiful!
August 29th,
It feels so good to get an early start on the day! I'm talking a good long shower, a great breakfast, workout time, some Genesis/Psalms and prayer time! It feels so refreshing to start the day on a good healthy note. On the job site today me and John finished framing and paneling our new 6x8 bathroom, overall a great project! I came home and had lots of free time to read/ workout. I'd say it's been just one more amazing day after another in Kentucky!
Psalm 147:1, 7
Praise the Lord! How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him! ........ Sing to the Lord with grateful praise; make music to our God on the harp!
It feels so good to get an early start on the day! I'm talking a good long shower, a great breakfast, workout time, some Genesis/Psalms and prayer time! It feels so refreshing to start the day on a good healthy note. On the job site today me and John finished framing and paneling our new 6x8 bathroom, overall a great project! I came home and had lots of free time to read/ workout. I'd say it's been just one more amazing day after another in Kentucky!
Psalm 147:1, 7
Praise the Lord! How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him! ........ Sing to the Lord with grateful praise; make music to our God on the harp!
Ooooh, Pretty Butterfly
August 28th,
Today lacked much emphasis on almost every level. Therefore I have virtually nothing to write on practically speaking. Like I did nothing even remotely noteworthy at all.
Today lacked much emphasis on almost every level. Therefore I have virtually nothing to write on practically speaking. Like I did nothing even remotely noteworthy at all.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
In Christ Alone
August 27th,
I try and make things more complicated than they need to be.
It's ninety degrees, i'm shaking, everyone is watching, a thousand thoughts rushed my head every second and when I come about I see my my instructor swim alongside me and say, "Carmen, stop overanalyzing. Just do what we taught you and you'll be fine." This is three years ago taking my lifeguard course physical exam. Fast forward three years and two days ago; I heard I was leading a group of high school students in building a ramp and I instantly thought, "but I don't know how, and what if I mess up? " I've led hundreds of students in much harder projects, what am I so worried about? It's all based off the thought that somehow our efforts have to be good enough, that if we try hard enough we'll succeed and if not, well then we've failed and no one approves of us. I do this all the time, my life is riddled with circumstance's where the only hesitation in progress is that of my own skepticism on wether I can do it. This is so easy to do. It will consume your life if you don't realize something so obvious, none of our efforts will ever be perfect. You see when you shoot for acceptance through perfection, not only in human eyes but through religion, you will always fail. I have come to the point where I know that I don't have to get it just right, It's where my heart is that really matters. Christ says that man looks at the outer appearance but He looks at the heart. If we're aiming to please God through immaculate, stupendous performances we'll find ourselves failing humorously. I think of something said by one of J.R.R Tolken's characters, Gandalf; "I wish the ring had never come to me, I wish none of this had ever happened. So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for us to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." Christ says something similar, "Acknowledge him in all your ways, and he will make your paths straight." These hard times will come, and we'll be faced with things we don't know how to figure out, things we don't know what to do with but it's in these times we have to decide, will I give him my best and trust him to do the rest? Can we lay aside our pride and give our efforts knowing they're less than perfect? Let me save you a lot of trouble and say yes, yes we can do that. Yes he will pick up where we lack. Going it alone wont work, don't try to figure it all out, there's nothing there but anger, anxiety and disappointment. We don't have to complicate it, we get this idea that by adding more rules and more qualifiers we're doing a better job, that's not true. It doesn't have to be complicated, life isn't a puzzle until you try cutting it into little pieces. We have already been given all we need to know, it's a straight forward little booklet called the Bible. Christ expects no more of us than what we know of him, do this and you will have fought the good fight, and ran the good race.
Ephesians 2:8-9
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."
I try and make things more complicated than they need to be.
It's ninety degrees, i'm shaking, everyone is watching, a thousand thoughts rushed my head every second and when I come about I see my my instructor swim alongside me and say, "Carmen, stop overanalyzing. Just do what we taught you and you'll be fine." This is three years ago taking my lifeguard course physical exam. Fast forward three years and two days ago; I heard I was leading a group of high school students in building a ramp and I instantly thought, "but I don't know how, and what if I mess up? " I've led hundreds of students in much harder projects, what am I so worried about? It's all based off the thought that somehow our efforts have to be good enough, that if we try hard enough we'll succeed and if not, well then we've failed and no one approves of us. I do this all the time, my life is riddled with circumstance's where the only hesitation in progress is that of my own skepticism on wether I can do it. This is so easy to do. It will consume your life if you don't realize something so obvious, none of our efforts will ever be perfect. You see when you shoot for acceptance through perfection, not only in human eyes but through religion, you will always fail. I have come to the point where I know that I don't have to get it just right, It's where my heart is that really matters. Christ says that man looks at the outer appearance but He looks at the heart. If we're aiming to please God through immaculate, stupendous performances we'll find ourselves failing humorously. I think of something said by one of J.R.R Tolken's characters, Gandalf; "I wish the ring had never come to me, I wish none of this had ever happened. So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for us to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." Christ says something similar, "Acknowledge him in all your ways, and he will make your paths straight." These hard times will come, and we'll be faced with things we don't know how to figure out, things we don't know what to do with but it's in these times we have to decide, will I give him my best and trust him to do the rest? Can we lay aside our pride and give our efforts knowing they're less than perfect? Let me save you a lot of trouble and say yes, yes we can do that. Yes he will pick up where we lack. Going it alone wont work, don't try to figure it all out, there's nothing there but anger, anxiety and disappointment. We don't have to complicate it, we get this idea that by adding more rules and more qualifiers we're doing a better job, that's not true. It doesn't have to be complicated, life isn't a puzzle until you try cutting it into little pieces. We have already been given all we need to know, it's a straight forward little booklet called the Bible. Christ expects no more of us than what we know of him, do this and you will have fought the good fight, and ran the good race.
Ephesians 2:8-9
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."
Right, Not Easy
August 26th,
Be wary the choices you make, some, as innocent as they seem and as harmless as they sound can end up leaving you really messed up. I did some pretty stupid stuff and ended up with heat stoke and sun poisoning today. Don't do what's easiest, do what's right.
Be wary the choices you make, some, as innocent as they seem and as harmless as they sound can end up leaving you really messed up. I did some pretty stupid stuff and ended up with heat stoke and sun poisoning today. Don't do what's easiest, do what's right.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Seek First His Kingdom
August 25th,
Dont pass up life.
Every second of every day we are faced with a choice, a choice that will determine who we are in life, will we make time for Christ? First let me say that that "making time" is not enough in itself seeing as Christianity is lived out heart beat-to heart beat, breath-to breath and thought-to thought. Since it's a lifestyle shouldn't it be treated so? If your lifestyle was that of a professional gymnast you would not only stretch daily and eat well and such but also have some very focused sometimes intense training sessions, for in this way and this way only would you be able to further your abilities and overcome your previous limitations. Your faith is so much alike; we not only need a daily word of encouragement or a prayer here and there, we also need focused times with God. These times determine your determination, they drive your motivation, and they will deepen your understanding of Christ and what his plan for your life is. As Christians we should thirst for these times, we should so strongly wish to spend alone time with God that we often put aside everything else to do it. Everything though? I mean certainly not family time, and definitely not sports, and hey, i've gotta practice my music, and finish this homework. Yes there is a time for these, but our need for Christ is so much greater, without him we have nothing. What price can you put on your soul? How much money will buy you into heaven? Matthew 16:26 says, "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? What can a man give in trade for his soul?" I'm not saying if you miss your prayer time tomorrow your going to burn, i'm saying stop our schedule, look at what matters, do you add Christ to your life or is your life a tribute to Christ's? He's our God, our King and our Lord, will we not give him our all?
Psalm 1:1-2
"Blessed is the one who does not walk in the step of the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night."
Matthew 6:33
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Dont pass up life.
Every second of every day we are faced with a choice, a choice that will determine who we are in life, will we make time for Christ? First let me say that that "making time" is not enough in itself seeing as Christianity is lived out heart beat-to heart beat, breath-to breath and thought-to thought. Since it's a lifestyle shouldn't it be treated so? If your lifestyle was that of a professional gymnast you would not only stretch daily and eat well and such but also have some very focused sometimes intense training sessions, for in this way and this way only would you be able to further your abilities and overcome your previous limitations. Your faith is so much alike; we not only need a daily word of encouragement or a prayer here and there, we also need focused times with God. These times determine your determination, they drive your motivation, and they will deepen your understanding of Christ and what his plan for your life is. As Christians we should thirst for these times, we should so strongly wish to spend alone time with God that we often put aside everything else to do it. Everything though? I mean certainly not family time, and definitely not sports, and hey, i've gotta practice my music, and finish this homework. Yes there is a time for these, but our need for Christ is so much greater, without him we have nothing. What price can you put on your soul? How much money will buy you into heaven? Matthew 16:26 says, "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? What can a man give in trade for his soul?" I'm not saying if you miss your prayer time tomorrow your going to burn, i'm saying stop our schedule, look at what matters, do you add Christ to your life or is your life a tribute to Christ's? He's our God, our King and our Lord, will we not give him our all?
Psalm 1:1-2
"Blessed is the one who does not walk in the step of the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night."
Matthew 6:33
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Just A Little Irregular
August 24th,
As regular as i'd like my schedule to be there are those days...... I didn't actually go to sleep last night but I did catch up on my blog, move rooms (one with better wifi, those of you I skype know what I mean) and talk to an amazing friend almost all night. So yes, I went to bed at 9:30 this morning and slept ti'll ten in the evening..... and after hanging out with some friends around the fire i'm off to bed again. I'm so glad tomorrow is Sunday.
As regular as i'd like my schedule to be there are those days...... I didn't actually go to sleep last night but I did catch up on my blog, move rooms (one with better wifi, those of you I skype know what I mean) and talk to an amazing friend almost all night. So yes, I went to bed at 9:30 this morning and slept ti'll ten in the evening..... and after hanging out with some friends around the fire i'm off to bed again. I'm so glad tomorrow is Sunday.
Let Go Of The Gas
August 23rd,
I remember some number of years ago opening my father's comic book collection one of which was a compilation of the real old Dilbert comic strips. I laughed at the characters but particularly at this one where Dilbert is profusely complaining about his work week and lustfully dreaming of the weekend to come. I thought this was quite comical (get it, "comical" it's a comic..... it's like the two wor....never mind) seeing as I simply didn't take the weekends off, no sir, the weekends were when the work really picked up. I became quite use to this ungodly routine (and yes I mean ungodly as in it is wrong to deprive yourself of rest.) to the point that I became incapable of living by anything else. The way CAP orchestrates their schedules however has given me a breath of fresh air along with my weekends that I scarcely know how to breathe in. You see as a boy I wanted free time, free time to build this and hide that and who knows what naive conundrums funneled through that peculiar head of mine. I then became "responsible" so to speak and simply worked all day, every day. And that is not exaggerating in the least. You see where I went wrong was not that I didn't work, oh I worked; it's that I had conceived the idea that somehow all my working in and of itself was going to get me somewhere. Well it didn't. As the years progressed and I now look back I can easily say this very knowledgeably; We need rest from our work, we are told by our god to take weekly rest, and lastly, all our labor and all our toils are for nothing if God is not blessing them. And I promise you God is never as pleased in you as when you are pleased in Him. So take the time you need to get your strength back, weather that's one weekend at the beach or a year in Eastern Kentucky, do what you have too to amply serve your king and enjoy your life, I am.
I remember some number of years ago opening my father's comic book collection one of which was a compilation of the real old Dilbert comic strips. I laughed at the characters but particularly at this one where Dilbert is profusely complaining about his work week and lustfully dreaming of the weekend to come. I thought this was quite comical (get it, "comical" it's a comic..... it's like the two wor....never mind) seeing as I simply didn't take the weekends off, no sir, the weekends were when the work really picked up. I became quite use to this ungodly routine (and yes I mean ungodly as in it is wrong to deprive yourself of rest.) to the point that I became incapable of living by anything else. The way CAP orchestrates their schedules however has given me a breath of fresh air along with my weekends that I scarcely know how to breathe in. You see as a boy I wanted free time, free time to build this and hide that and who knows what naive conundrums funneled through that peculiar head of mine. I then became "responsible" so to speak and simply worked all day, every day. And that is not exaggerating in the least. You see where I went wrong was not that I didn't work, oh I worked; it's that I had conceived the idea that somehow all my working in and of itself was going to get me somewhere. Well it didn't. As the years progressed and I now look back I can easily say this very knowledgeably; We need rest from our work, we are told by our god to take weekly rest, and lastly, all our labor and all our toils are for nothing if God is not blessing them. And I promise you God is never as pleased in you as when you are pleased in Him. So take the time you need to get your strength back, weather that's one weekend at the beach or a year in Eastern Kentucky, do what you have too to amply serve your king and enjoy your life, I am.
Weekday Amnesia.....It Happens
August 20th -22nd
I do not often combine dates because well..... each day has too much to write on in itself; however, having said that I cannot lie and say that I was very conscious in this particular duration nor can I remember any outspoken events that took place besides that of much work and little sleep. In all honesty I must admit that it's considerably easier now, being in thus such freedoms to "postpone" my entries from time to time but I assure you it is a habit I do not intend to take fondly of.
I do not often combine dates because well..... each day has too much to write on in itself; however, having said that I cannot lie and say that I was very conscious in this particular duration nor can I remember any outspoken events that took place besides that of much work and little sleep. In all honesty I must admit that it's considerably easier now, being in thus such freedoms to "postpone" my entries from time to time but I assure you it is a habit I do not intend to take fondly of.
Monday, August 19, 2013
I Will Never Leave You
August 19th,
So many ideas have flooded my head today. So much to write on and yet..... there remains a still hesitation. I might say that I will write on relationships but that in fact, for many reasons, is being kept for something much deeper than a blog....... In fact a book. As for now I have one unsettling, and tremendous hill to march in my writing and through my life and it is best expressed now, with pose, tact, and honesty. Please know that as I write this I am stable.
In September of 2012 my life changed dramatically. My best friend Nathaniel I. Tennant left for great purposes to CAP but none the less.... gone. My family began to feel the overbearing, practically crushing weight of the work to financial status ratio and things were getting rough..... really rough. I was mad at God for seemingly leaving me in a place with no future, no hope, and crushing responsibilities. I seemed to watch my friends fade away like the ashes of an old memory haunted card, scattering in the wind. I hated my life through and through. The stress was intensifying, but in fact...... it became too much. As of my eighteenth birthday, October 16th, I was anorexic. Now this didn't dawn on me at all, after all i'm a guy, I didn't need support, hell I could do it on my own..... so, so Wrong.
I functioned as many others did and even above and beyond that of many. I woke up relatively early, I worked a minimal eight hour day, sometimes fourteen, and then as evenings came I would begin my ''other life'' chatting with friends, youth group, sleepovers... all that. Meanwhile avoiding the obvious. On a daily basis I would wake up in the night and hear screams outside.....they weren't there. I would begin my day in cold sweats, doubled over in pain, my sides were being ripped apart and my head spun as if receiving a cold brick of ice in the jaw. I was in pain. I couldn't run a hundred yards for my life, I could barely stay awake through my days and when I did fall asleep, I was haunted. I was unsure which was worse, conscious pain or subconscious hell. I was hell bent I needed to loose weight, run more and eat healthier.....the only problem is I only did the first and I did it well. I found myself lying about how much I had eaten to my friends, denying food saying I was "sick" or nauseous. It wasn't out of spite for anyone really, I just.....hated food. Something had to change because I began to feel tightness in my chest, I was having heart palpitations, and crying became my way of saying goodnight beneath the pillow. I came too close to ending things the easy way. I wanted an end, and a quick one but Christ said, "No Carmen, hold on one day longer, I will help you." So I held on one day longer, each day, fighting my mind and giving little sway in my heart. Finally after eternity our PCC CAP trip rolled around and I found momentary rest but, as some of us know, it's not the slow descent that kills, it's the brutalizing relapse...... And I did. At the end of April I hit bottom with a resonating force. It was then I began to question my faith, my motives, my reason to exist. I needed someone to hold me, and validate my pain, I desperately needed to know someone.....anyone cared.
One month of black hell passes.... and somehow I begin to see a small, small light. So small I didn't even set my hope's on it at first for fear of being rejected or denied. All I wanted now was acceptance..... from any crowd. I was days, maybe closer, from relieving my pain in a way I knew of all too well when Christ said once more, "Hold on, don't give up yet, it's just around the bend." I don't know if I trusted him or not but at this point I had no choice, I left my razor on the dresser, the lighter on the desk and dropped to my knees and begged.... I begged God to take the pain away, I begged him to hold me, I begged him for hope.... just one drop of hope. The next day after breakfast sometime I happened to be cleaning out my old school bin when I saw an application for CAP. I took it before the page had ran through my hand. In a week I was scheduled for an interview, by mid june I had finalized the details. And so I held on, I grabbed the rope with all I had and prayed it didn't break, I was simply.....surviving now, no emotion, no energy, no mind, just grabbing this life line God threw down to the bottom of the lake and holding on for dear life.
It's two months from that day now. I have a healthy BMI, I can run, I can laugh, and I can eat. I didn't need a rehab, I needed a restart. I needed peace in life, I needed to lay down at night and know my God loves me unconditionally and that it's going to be okay. I did little to nothing to get here, my God carried me in his arms when I collapsed. He Never Left. let me say that again. He. Never. Left.
I did the leaving because I fell for Satan's lie, I believed I could do it on my own, I thought I could take on the world without my God. I was so painfully wrong and it took so much pain to figure that out. If you're in that spot where worry, stress, and fear rule your life, especially as a guy, I know it's hard but you need to understand this. You cannot do it on your own. Cry to Christ for help! Trust in his love! I promise, with everything I am that he is there. Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." Joshua 1:5 ".......As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." He means never! Please don't doubt him! He knows your burden and he can shoulder it, all you need to do is ask! He did for me, I am victorious over my fears, I am victorious over my doubt, I am victorious over my anxiety. Through Christ I have a new life and every day is for him. That my friends...... That's what it's all about.
- Christ Is Enough For Me -
So many ideas have flooded my head today. So much to write on and yet..... there remains a still hesitation. I might say that I will write on relationships but that in fact, for many reasons, is being kept for something much deeper than a blog....... In fact a book. As for now I have one unsettling, and tremendous hill to march in my writing and through my life and it is best expressed now, with pose, tact, and honesty. Please know that as I write this I am stable.
In September of 2012 my life changed dramatically. My best friend Nathaniel I. Tennant left for great purposes to CAP but none the less.... gone. My family began to feel the overbearing, practically crushing weight of the work to financial status ratio and things were getting rough..... really rough. I was mad at God for seemingly leaving me in a place with no future, no hope, and crushing responsibilities. I seemed to watch my friends fade away like the ashes of an old memory haunted card, scattering in the wind. I hated my life through and through. The stress was intensifying, but in fact...... it became too much. As of my eighteenth birthday, October 16th, I was anorexic. Now this didn't dawn on me at all, after all i'm a guy, I didn't need support, hell I could do it on my own..... so, so Wrong.
I functioned as many others did and even above and beyond that of many. I woke up relatively early, I worked a minimal eight hour day, sometimes fourteen, and then as evenings came I would begin my ''other life'' chatting with friends, youth group, sleepovers... all that. Meanwhile avoiding the obvious. On a daily basis I would wake up in the night and hear screams outside.....they weren't there. I would begin my day in cold sweats, doubled over in pain, my sides were being ripped apart and my head spun as if receiving a cold brick of ice in the jaw. I was in pain. I couldn't run a hundred yards for my life, I could barely stay awake through my days and when I did fall asleep, I was haunted. I was unsure which was worse, conscious pain or subconscious hell. I was hell bent I needed to loose weight, run more and eat healthier.....the only problem is I only did the first and I did it well. I found myself lying about how much I had eaten to my friends, denying food saying I was "sick" or nauseous. It wasn't out of spite for anyone really, I just.....hated food. Something had to change because I began to feel tightness in my chest, I was having heart palpitations, and crying became my way of saying goodnight beneath the pillow. I came too close to ending things the easy way. I wanted an end, and a quick one but Christ said, "No Carmen, hold on one day longer, I will help you." So I held on one day longer, each day, fighting my mind and giving little sway in my heart. Finally after eternity our PCC CAP trip rolled around and I found momentary rest but, as some of us know, it's not the slow descent that kills, it's the brutalizing relapse...... And I did. At the end of April I hit bottom with a resonating force. It was then I began to question my faith, my motives, my reason to exist. I needed someone to hold me, and validate my pain, I desperately needed to know someone.....anyone cared.
One month of black hell passes.... and somehow I begin to see a small, small light. So small I didn't even set my hope's on it at first for fear of being rejected or denied. All I wanted now was acceptance..... from any crowd. I was days, maybe closer, from relieving my pain in a way I knew of all too well when Christ said once more, "Hold on, don't give up yet, it's just around the bend." I don't know if I trusted him or not but at this point I had no choice, I left my razor on the dresser, the lighter on the desk and dropped to my knees and begged.... I begged God to take the pain away, I begged him to hold me, I begged him for hope.... just one drop of hope. The next day after breakfast sometime I happened to be cleaning out my old school bin when I saw an application for CAP. I took it before the page had ran through my hand. In a week I was scheduled for an interview, by mid june I had finalized the details. And so I held on, I grabbed the rope with all I had and prayed it didn't break, I was simply.....surviving now, no emotion, no energy, no mind, just grabbing this life line God threw down to the bottom of the lake and holding on for dear life.
It's two months from that day now. I have a healthy BMI, I can run, I can laugh, and I can eat. I didn't need a rehab, I needed a restart. I needed peace in life, I needed to lay down at night and know my God loves me unconditionally and that it's going to be okay. I did little to nothing to get here, my God carried me in his arms when I collapsed. He Never Left. let me say that again. He. Never. Left.
I did the leaving because I fell for Satan's lie, I believed I could do it on my own, I thought I could take on the world without my God. I was so painfully wrong and it took so much pain to figure that out. If you're in that spot where worry, stress, and fear rule your life, especially as a guy, I know it's hard but you need to understand this. You cannot do it on your own. Cry to Christ for help! Trust in his love! I promise, with everything I am that he is there. Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." Joshua 1:5 ".......As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." He means never! Please don't doubt him! He knows your burden and he can shoulder it, all you need to do is ask! He did for me, I am victorious over my fears, I am victorious over my doubt, I am victorious over my anxiety. Through Christ I have a new life and every day is for him. That my friends...... That's what it's all about.
- Christ Is Enough For Me -
Sunday, August 18, 2013
An Enjoyed Rest
August 18th,
I love my church down here in KY and the power they put behind scripture. This morning was fantastic and I feel so secure in my faith right now. I spent the rest of my day eating food, playing games, watching really stupid movies and writing. It is well with my soul.
I love my church down here in KY and the power they put behind scripture. This morning was fantastic and I feel so secure in my faith right now. I spent the rest of my day eating food, playing games, watching really stupid movies and writing. It is well with my soul.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
I'm Liking This Community Thing
August 17th,
I lived a small glimpse of my dream today.
I slept in ti'll eleven and woke up to chocolate chip pancakes and bacon. Thank you John. I'm so glad I said yes to going out today or else none of this would have happened. Me, John, Christy, and Connie went to The Breaks International Park and had such a phantasmal time. First we went to several overlooks which were so breath taking and stunningly beautiful. On one of these drop offs which was roughly 120 ft of sheer rock face I ledge climbed down the face about thirty feet, then across thirty, and back up a well overgrown crevice between faces. Overall this was so beautiful. We also hiked down a separate path to a sixty foot, rushing, natural water slide which emptied into a massive swimming hole giving aim to a twenty foot plus rope swing overhead of which we all swung off a few times. Actually my first time out I landed totally wrong and compressed my chest to the point of feeling like the pancake being slapped down by a spatula. Still this was so fun and apparently a CAP tradition.
After burning off brunch we turned around and set a bead line for supper, located at a phenomenally good tasting restaurant called Lizzy B's. I had a couple Sun Drops, parmesan shells in white cheddar, and the best blue cheese bacon burger ever made. I'm not exaggerating, this was literally the best burger anyone has ever eaten.....anywhere.....ever. My housemates encourage me to pick up the guitar..... i'm not sure if I have time, that's my only constraint because obviously I have a lot of writing to do and all that but hey, maybe i'll try. Not really sure right now though, maybe i'll visit that again next month. John and I share so many interests, mostly in music, and I have to say I am so psyched! He's got great taste and we get along so well and I look forward to spending a good amount of time jazzing out with him! This evening after all that we went to Jenny Wiley Park and cracked some sick moves (John & I) to the cupid shuffle, the chicken dance, the Holes song, and copperhead ridge. This was a pretty bossly jazzed day and just what I needed after the week.
I lived a small glimpse of my dream today.
I slept in ti'll eleven and woke up to chocolate chip pancakes and bacon. Thank you John. I'm so glad I said yes to going out today or else none of this would have happened. Me, John, Christy, and Connie went to The Breaks International Park and had such a phantasmal time. First we went to several overlooks which were so breath taking and stunningly beautiful. On one of these drop offs which was roughly 120 ft of sheer rock face I ledge climbed down the face about thirty feet, then across thirty, and back up a well overgrown crevice between faces. Overall this was so beautiful. We also hiked down a separate path to a sixty foot, rushing, natural water slide which emptied into a massive swimming hole giving aim to a twenty foot plus rope swing overhead of which we all swung off a few times. Actually my first time out I landed totally wrong and compressed my chest to the point of feeling like the pancake being slapped down by a spatula. Still this was so fun and apparently a CAP tradition.
After burning off brunch we turned around and set a bead line for supper, located at a phenomenally good tasting restaurant called Lizzy B's. I had a couple Sun Drops, parmesan shells in white cheddar, and the best blue cheese bacon burger ever made. I'm not exaggerating, this was literally the best burger anyone has ever eaten.....anywhere.....ever. My housemates encourage me to pick up the guitar..... i'm not sure if I have time, that's my only constraint because obviously I have a lot of writing to do and all that but hey, maybe i'll try. Not really sure right now though, maybe i'll visit that again next month. John and I share so many interests, mostly in music, and I have to say I am so psyched! He's got great taste and we get along so well and I look forward to spending a good amount of time jazzing out with him! This evening after all that we went to Jenny Wiley Park and cracked some sick moves (John & I) to the cupid shuffle, the chicken dance, the Holes song, and copperhead ridge. This was a pretty bossly jazzed day and just what I needed after the week.
Friday, August 16, 2013
A Week Well Capped
August 16th,
This week has all but flown by. I was apparently insensitive to my alarm because Nathaniel came in at 7:45 (we start work at eight) and woke me up. Once I scurried down to the offices slightly late I started off to a good work day, and although pretty tired we accomplished a lot and I'm satisfied with what we got done. Now though, i'm glad the work week is over, i'm going to sleep in tomorrow, read a book or two and write a couple more letters. Oh and I cant forget, I did have an amazing time this evening with some fellow Johnson members at a nearby restaurant by the name of "Pig In A Poke". It was absolutely delicious and we had a great time talking and hanging out. I skyped my good friend Erin from NY tonight as well which was just awesome.
This week has all but flown by. I was apparently insensitive to my alarm because Nathaniel came in at 7:45 (we start work at eight) and woke me up. Once I scurried down to the offices slightly late I started off to a good work day, and although pretty tired we accomplished a lot and I'm satisfied with what we got done. Now though, i'm glad the work week is over, i'm going to sleep in tomorrow, read a book or two and write a couple more letters. Oh and I cant forget, I did have an amazing time this evening with some fellow Johnson members at a nearby restaurant by the name of "Pig In A Poke". It was absolutely delicious and we had a great time talking and hanging out. I skyped my good friend Erin from NY tonight as well which was just awesome.
Settling In
August 15th,
I hate routine but I love peaceful.
Today was actually somewhat regular if so I can afford to that end. I got a good amount of exercise in the morning, had a fairly successful work day and then enjoyed a great dinner and relaxing evening later on. Nothing nostalgic or grand happened today so i'll leave it at that.
I hate routine but I love peaceful.
Today was actually somewhat regular if so I can afford to that end. I got a good amount of exercise in the morning, had a fairly successful work day and then enjoyed a great dinner and relaxing evening later on. Nothing nostalgic or grand happened today so i'll leave it at that.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
This Old House
August 14th,
Goodbyes are like bee stings, they get worse every time.
There are those things which we can choose to remain nullified to more or less but goodbyes just aren't one of them because the further you go the fonder you become and the harder they leave. I just spent two weeks saying goodbye to almost all my friends in New York and now the few I had left in Kentucky are leaving as well. Tomorrow morning three of our own from Johnson house, Kelsey, Nick, and Jimmy leave us after so long in service and new volunteers come in their stead, although, they will never be replaced. There's a mantle in our house, it sits center of our living room, the same room where so many jokes were told, so many devotions took place, and so many lives were shared. A few names stand burned in this mantel, a few names but countless memories. One day my name will be up there too....one day.
Goodbyes are like bee stings, they get worse every time.
There are those things which we can choose to remain nullified to more or less but goodbyes just aren't one of them because the further you go the fonder you become and the harder they leave. I just spent two weeks saying goodbye to almost all my friends in New York and now the few I had left in Kentucky are leaving as well. Tomorrow morning three of our own from Johnson house, Kelsey, Nick, and Jimmy leave us after so long in service and new volunteers come in their stead, although, they will never be replaced. There's a mantle in our house, it sits center of our living room, the same room where so many jokes were told, so many devotions took place, and so many lives were shared. A few names stand burned in this mantel, a few names but countless memories. One day my name will be up there too....one day.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Farewell
August 13th,
Apart from being the second day we've been rained out today was a very fun work day and we finally got all that metal roofing on. It's been a little tough emotionally to be honest because Kelsey, Brian, Jimmy, Eric, Pam, and Nick are all about to go or are just left...... I have personally know all of these amazing people and will be very sad to see them leave. As my chapter at CAP begins (along with a few others) many others move on. May the Lord be with them in their travels. J-House will miss you deeply.
Apart from being the second day we've been rained out today was a very fun work day and we finally got all that metal roofing on. It's been a little tough emotionally to be honest because Kelsey, Brian, Jimmy, Eric, Pam, and Nick are all about to go or are just left...... I have personally know all of these amazing people and will be very sad to see them leave. As my chapter at CAP begins (along with a few others) many others move on. May the Lord be with them in their travels. J-House will miss you deeply.
Floating Like A Unicorn.... Johnson Style
August 12th,
My work week started fairly quickly I must say. Apart from the fifteen miles of paperwork I had to sign off on and read this morning and an un-necessary drug test I had a decently good first work day. I think there was actually literally something in there about not running people over...... Ok CAP, if you insist. Actually that drug test might come out positive......I have been so happy in the past few days they're probably like, "whoa, he's on something seriously strong dude, look how floaty he is." This is as I literally floated everywhere today, I mean I couldn't help it, i'm excited man. I've got a lot of work to do on my schedules and all that plus a ton of new people coming over soon but that's all for tomorrow.
J-House Quote - "If you don't have unicorns in your life....you don't have anything." All credits to my deep thinking, nostalgic, and meaningfully wise housemate...... whom I will call Elmer.
My work week started fairly quickly I must say. Apart from the fifteen miles of paperwork I had to sign off on and read this morning and an un-necessary drug test I had a decently good first work day. I think there was actually literally something in there about not running people over...... Ok CAP, if you insist. Actually that drug test might come out positive......I have been so happy in the past few days they're probably like, "whoa, he's on something seriously strong dude, look how floaty he is." This is as I literally floated everywhere today, I mean I couldn't help it, i'm excited man. I've got a lot of work to do on my schedules and all that plus a ton of new people coming over soon but that's all for tomorrow.
J-House Quote - "If you don't have unicorns in your life....you don't have anything." All credits to my deep thinking, nostalgic, and meaningfully wise housemate...... whom I will call Elmer.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Kick It!
August 11th,
God has just blessed me with possibly the best day of my life.
I woke in my bed, in my room, in Kentucky at 8:45 (late compared to the usual times i'll be waking up here). Me, Logan, Jotham, and my amazing friend Nathaniel with whom I am so wonderfully reunited with went to church together this morning. The sermon was truthful, honest, and encouraging. Afterward Jotham and Logan headed back to NY and Nate and I went over to a nearby house for our weekly community group and had a wonderful time there as well. Fairly soon after returning home we went right back out with another great friend from J-House (home) to grab the weeks groceries which was actually surprisingly fun considering I picked up some Levi straight-slims, and a dry fit for just over twenty pop. I will be making a schedule more or less for my exercise routines, skyping times, and etc either tonight or tomorrow. Praise the Lord, this day has been nothing but a waterfall of blessings from my savior!
God has just blessed me with possibly the best day of my life.
I woke in my bed, in my room, in Kentucky at 8:45 (late compared to the usual times i'll be waking up here). Me, Logan, Jotham, and my amazing friend Nathaniel with whom I am so wonderfully reunited with went to church together this morning. The sermon was truthful, honest, and encouraging. Afterward Jotham and Logan headed back to NY and Nate and I went over to a nearby house for our weekly community group and had a wonderful time there as well. Fairly soon after returning home we went right back out with another great friend from J-House (home) to grab the weeks groceries which was actually surprisingly fun considering I picked up some Levi straight-slims, and a dry fit for just over twenty pop. I will be making a schedule more or less for my exercise routines, skyping times, and etc either tonight or tomorrow. Praise the Lord, this day has been nothing but a waterfall of blessings from my savior!
Laying Foundation
August 10th,
4 am wake up. I said my goodbyes, packed what I had, then hit the road for our eleven hour drive with my older brother Jotham and my friend Logan around five (am). I'm sure there's names for the places we went, states we were in and so on but I don't remember a thing.....actually wait there was one sign that said something about a sleepy rock but that's about it. We took turns driving and I was able to fit in a good two hour block of relaxing driving on I 79 S. which was nice. As to what the speed limit was it's just so blurry and I was so tired i'm not sure I can recall how fast I was going (or supposed to). We finally arrived after a few stops at my home......it feels good to call this place my home. Anyway we arrived about five pm and sat around for awhile before unpacking. The unpacking/setting up fort was actually pretty fun, I wish you could see the array of cards and such I have displayed on my study, it's very homey I must say. I enjoyed neatly organizing my room from the start and have already set up my study and exercise areas. Quite the successful day. And now i'm dead tired.
4 am wake up. I said my goodbyes, packed what I had, then hit the road for our eleven hour drive with my older brother Jotham and my friend Logan around five (am). I'm sure there's names for the places we went, states we were in and so on but I don't remember a thing.....actually wait there was one sign that said something about a sleepy rock but that's about it. We took turns driving and I was able to fit in a good two hour block of relaxing driving on I 79 S. which was nice. As to what the speed limit was it's just so blurry and I was so tired i'm not sure I can recall how fast I was going (or supposed to). We finally arrived after a few stops at my home......it feels good to call this place my home. Anyway we arrived about five pm and sat around for awhile before unpacking. The unpacking/setting up fort was actually pretty fun, I wish you could see the array of cards and such I have displayed on my study, it's very homey I must say. I enjoyed neatly organizing my room from the start and have already set up my study and exercise areas. Quite the successful day. And now i'm dead tired.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Home & Heart
August 9th, Part 1.
Well this is Reid Miner. As I write this I am sitting across from a fantastic friend who I have had the privilege of getting to know over the past few months. When I first met this man about three years ago I thought he was a weird, crazy, and high-pitched opera singing little boy. But about a year ago my flawed thinking changed. And recently, having had the great privilege of being able to spend a few days with him at Kingdom Bound, I have gotten to know him even better. Now he is not that weird person but a great friend who is funny beyond belief, a crazy good worker, and a fabulous friend. Tonight, with all his bags packed and ready to leave on a adventure, I realize how much he means to me. He not only has a great heart for God, but he also treats people how they should be treated, and is funny. He has impacted my life in numerous ways. I will sincerely miss him and his out-of-this-world personality. Goodbye Carmen. Have a great time in kentucky serving God and the local people. I will miss you very very much.
~ Reid. J. Miner
August 9th, Part 2.
Home. I don't think you could list how many songs belong to this title.
There is undoubtedly some deep innate connection between an individual and that familiar place they call home. I want to venture a little further today though and propose a theory of what home actually means in our minds. There are of course only three senses in which the word home can be meant, physical, emotional and spiritual. As I explain I think it's important to realize that home is not only a noun but and adjective. Physically there is a place we can palpably touch under our feet, a place we can construct, inhabit, and abandon; this holds in my opinion a minimal amount of affect on our true sense of home which, duly brings me to my succeeding point. Our emotional home is a state of mind that gives us the feeling of belonging. This means many things though; we can easily have a false sense of belonging, or it's quite possible you come home to an abusive family every night but you wont leave because in a sad depriving way....you belong. This is a dangerous way to label our home because it means we will anchor our actions, and beliefs based on what we call home. As an alcoholic your sense of home may very well be closer held and understood inside that bottle than a successful millionaire will feel inside his own mansion. Does this make sense? We are creatures who must belong. I don't care how little you have, even if you have nothing at all you still have a place to call home, in this life or the next. Suppose we took this concept one level deeper now. Say as christians we understood scripture well enough to realize Christ calls us to actually be homeless in this life but heirs of his kingdom. This means we need to realize that we are on a trip, we're not home, home for us should be solely found in our identity through Christ. If we truly acted on this concept imagine the motivation we should be acting with. If you we're separated behind enemy lines from your men what would you do to get home? If you were lost in any vast unknown area I guarantee the first thing you'll think of is home. So why aren't we so avidly pursuing our real homes in heaven? Is it that we doubt Christ is actually making a place for us or that it sounds too good to be true? I think it's a concept satan has done a very crafty job of portraying as a lofty, almost fairy tail like world. The world treats heaven like an arguing point for philosophical theology when it's more real than the dirt under your feet. This is something we need to remember as sons and daughters of Christ, we have a home with our father, it's really there, and he's waiting at the gates patiently to welcome us in. No fairy tales here, no make believe, this is very, very real. Let Christ become your home, let Him be your acceptance, and live as heirs of his beautiful kingdom. It's for us.
2 Cor. 5:1-2
We know that the earthly tent we live in will be destroyed. But we have a building made by God. It is a house in heaven that lasts forever. Human hands did not build it. During our time on earth we groan. We long to put on our house in heaven as if it were clothing.
Matt. 6:21
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Well this is Reid Miner. As I write this I am sitting across from a fantastic friend who I have had the privilege of getting to know over the past few months. When I first met this man about three years ago I thought he was a weird, crazy, and high-pitched opera singing little boy. But about a year ago my flawed thinking changed. And recently, having had the great privilege of being able to spend a few days with him at Kingdom Bound, I have gotten to know him even better. Now he is not that weird person but a great friend who is funny beyond belief, a crazy good worker, and a fabulous friend. Tonight, with all his bags packed and ready to leave on a adventure, I realize how much he means to me. He not only has a great heart for God, but he also treats people how they should be treated, and is funny. He has impacted my life in numerous ways. I will sincerely miss him and his out-of-this-world personality. Goodbye Carmen. Have a great time in kentucky serving God and the local people. I will miss you very very much.
~ Reid. J. Miner
August 9th, Part 2.
Home. I don't think you could list how many songs belong to this title.
There is undoubtedly some deep innate connection between an individual and that familiar place they call home. I want to venture a little further today though and propose a theory of what home actually means in our minds. There are of course only three senses in which the word home can be meant, physical, emotional and spiritual. As I explain I think it's important to realize that home is not only a noun but and adjective. Physically there is a place we can palpably touch under our feet, a place we can construct, inhabit, and abandon; this holds in my opinion a minimal amount of affect on our true sense of home which, duly brings me to my succeeding point. Our emotional home is a state of mind that gives us the feeling of belonging. This means many things though; we can easily have a false sense of belonging, or it's quite possible you come home to an abusive family every night but you wont leave because in a sad depriving way....you belong. This is a dangerous way to label our home because it means we will anchor our actions, and beliefs based on what we call home. As an alcoholic your sense of home may very well be closer held and understood inside that bottle than a successful millionaire will feel inside his own mansion. Does this make sense? We are creatures who must belong. I don't care how little you have, even if you have nothing at all you still have a place to call home, in this life or the next. Suppose we took this concept one level deeper now. Say as christians we understood scripture well enough to realize Christ calls us to actually be homeless in this life but heirs of his kingdom. This means we need to realize that we are on a trip, we're not home, home for us should be solely found in our identity through Christ. If we truly acted on this concept imagine the motivation we should be acting with. If you we're separated behind enemy lines from your men what would you do to get home? If you were lost in any vast unknown area I guarantee the first thing you'll think of is home. So why aren't we so avidly pursuing our real homes in heaven? Is it that we doubt Christ is actually making a place for us or that it sounds too good to be true? I think it's a concept satan has done a very crafty job of portraying as a lofty, almost fairy tail like world. The world treats heaven like an arguing point for philosophical theology when it's more real than the dirt under your feet. This is something we need to remember as sons and daughters of Christ, we have a home with our father, it's really there, and he's waiting at the gates patiently to welcome us in. No fairy tales here, no make believe, this is very, very real. Let Christ become your home, let Him be your acceptance, and live as heirs of his beautiful kingdom. It's for us.
2 Cor. 5:1-2
We know that the earthly tent we live in will be destroyed. But we have a building made by God. It is a house in heaven that lasts forever. Human hands did not build it. During our time on earth we groan. We long to put on our house in heaven as if it were clothing.
Matt. 6:21
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
My King
August 8th,
Finding God is like putting together a puzzle, there's so many ways to fill in the pieces but you always end up with the same beautiful picture.
For me, Kingdom Bound has always led me to a deeper understanding of Christ's love for me, every time I think I can begin to fathom what he's done and who I am because of it he blows me away once again and I am left speechless before my king. Which reminds me there was one band in particular that I likened to quite readily when I heard what they had to say, they spoke of chivalry, how it's all but lost and how important it is to not only show chivalry but treat women as truly valuable. There is much more to be said on this and I am certain it will not be long until this too is expounded on.
This was my fourth year attending KB with PCC youth group and I must say, it only gets better. This year Hillsong played on the first night and it was literally beyond description, had I to feebly word in which way it touched me I would say this; The music that rang in the air that night sang a sweet enough melody to distract a few angels from their heavenly chorus, look down over their shoulders, and smile at our attempt, even if just for a moment. In this way it sweetly deepened my adoration of my lord and savior.
Today I said goodbye to many good friends: Rebecca, Chloe, Corrina, Becky, Carissa, Reid, and many others as we went our separate ways after returning from our wonderful time together at KB. All I can say for the time I have been given with all of you is thank you, may God bless you beautifully for all the love and support you have shown me. There are so many more details to cover but quite honestly I would only say this: I have given it all to Jesus and he has given me a new life and I will be with him forever. He deserves the praise, He is love and He....is my king.
Finding God is like putting together a puzzle, there's so many ways to fill in the pieces but you always end up with the same beautiful picture.
For me, Kingdom Bound has always led me to a deeper understanding of Christ's love for me, every time I think I can begin to fathom what he's done and who I am because of it he blows me away once again and I am left speechless before my king. Which reminds me there was one band in particular that I likened to quite readily when I heard what they had to say, they spoke of chivalry, how it's all but lost and how important it is to not only show chivalry but treat women as truly valuable. There is much more to be said on this and I am certain it will not be long until this too is expounded on.
This was my fourth year attending KB with PCC youth group and I must say, it only gets better. This year Hillsong played on the first night and it was literally beyond description, had I to feebly word in which way it touched me I would say this; The music that rang in the air that night sang a sweet enough melody to distract a few angels from their heavenly chorus, look down over their shoulders, and smile at our attempt, even if just for a moment. In this way it sweetly deepened my adoration of my lord and savior.
Today I said goodbye to many good friends: Rebecca, Chloe, Corrina, Becky, Carissa, Reid, and many others as we went our separate ways after returning from our wonderful time together at KB. All I can say for the time I have been given with all of you is thank you, may God bless you beautifully for all the love and support you have shown me. There are so many more details to cover but quite honestly I would only say this: I have given it all to Jesus and he has given me a new life and I will be with him forever. He deserves the praise, He is love and He....is my king.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Bound For The Kingdom
August 4th,
The days come all too quickly and simultaneously they pass painfully slow.
I came to church feeling quite well actually and enjoyed a wonderful last service and had the chance afterward of spending some relaxing time with the Chapman's and a multitude more at Vivi's graduation. I know it's only 6:30 and this may seem odd but once I got home I repacked from my sleepover, checked over my Kingdom Bound bags, wrote my last two entries and am now going to bed. Yup. I cannot wait for Kingdom Bound (Mon-Thur.)! This will be my fourth year!
Oh yes, I will be out of wifi range from tomorrow ti'll thursday so I'll be back in a few!
The days come all too quickly and simultaneously they pass painfully slow.
I came to church feeling quite well actually and enjoyed a wonderful last service and had the chance afterward of spending some relaxing time with the Chapman's and a multitude more at Vivi's graduation. I know it's only 6:30 and this may seem odd but once I got home I repacked from my sleepover, checked over my Kingdom Bound bags, wrote my last two entries and am now going to bed. Yup. I cannot wait for Kingdom Bound (Mon-Thur.)! This will be my fourth year!
Oh yes, I will be out of wifi range from tomorrow ti'll thursday so I'll be back in a few!
Packing My Past
August 3rd,
It's amazing how quickly your schedule compiles. Today (along with some good help) I packed for an upcoming sleepover, Kingdom Bound, and the entire year at CAP. overall I touched way too much dirty laundry and feel completely defiled. In a strange way though it's cool to look at this one little blue bin full of journals, books, cards and letters I packed and think, "Everything I have been, and am is represented in this bin.....wow."
It's amazing how quickly your schedule compiles. Today (along with some good help) I packed for an upcoming sleepover, Kingdom Bound, and the entire year at CAP. overall I touched way too much dirty laundry and feel completely defiled. In a strange way though it's cool to look at this one little blue bin full of journals, books, cards and letters I packed and think, "Everything I have been, and am is represented in this bin.....wow."
Going Somewhere?
August 2nd,
Usually i'd enjoy going on errands......usually.
I took off to east syracuse at roughly 10:30 to just do a thing or two but my luck had planned otherwise.
My first stop was to Purcell's paint on bridge street, which, of course was my only semi-succesful chore not counting the wrong turn I took just before I arrived. Next off was Walmart which I suppose you could call a success in the way that I got what I came for but also an equally matching disappointment seeing as it cost 100+ for everything......ouch. Lowes was my next destination and of course it would be my luck that they literally had every single spray paint but the one I needed......literally... not even exaggerating. I headed off to Price Chopper next but took an entirely wrong turn on Thompson which was ever so conveniently backed up straight across one side to another so that tagged on an extra 35 min+. Once I arrived at Price Chopper I began recycling my lovely little truck full of gooey, slimy, pungent, cans one painful cap at a time. As if this wasn't already the most thrilling thing ever (you should try it some time really) the machines decided this would be a swell time to break down and so I not only left stinky, dirty, and disgusting but uncompleted. Across the street is the Salvation Army where I dropped off all those bags of junk we've been looking to get rid of forever......oh except.....I forgot all the bags. My day just get's better. I finally show up two hours late to green lakes to meat some friends where we manage to hang out for a short while then get completely rained out. So we went to Panera Bread and sat around for awhile which although fun was rather uneventful. As I headed home from my little victory march I remembered that I had still a redbox to drop off so I went all the way out to tully for that. While there I remembered i had to make several deposits at the bank and grab groceries from the dollar general nearby which, of course, didn't actually have what I needed. Before returning home I also filled up the gas and skillfully forgot to pick up a much-needed chain saw chain. On a much different note I owe thanks to each and every person in my youth group for supporting me and being by my side all this time, I will never be attending again (as a student at least) and will sorely miss our times together.
Usually i'd enjoy going on errands......usually.
I took off to east syracuse at roughly 10:30 to just do a thing or two but my luck had planned otherwise.
My first stop was to Purcell's paint on bridge street, which, of course was my only semi-succesful chore not counting the wrong turn I took just before I arrived. Next off was Walmart which I suppose you could call a success in the way that I got what I came for but also an equally matching disappointment seeing as it cost 100+ for everything......ouch. Lowes was my next destination and of course it would be my luck that they literally had every single spray paint but the one I needed......literally... not even exaggerating. I headed off to Price Chopper next but took an entirely wrong turn on Thompson which was ever so conveniently backed up straight across one side to another so that tagged on an extra 35 min+. Once I arrived at Price Chopper I began recycling my lovely little truck full of gooey, slimy, pungent, cans one painful cap at a time. As if this wasn't already the most thrilling thing ever (you should try it some time really) the machines decided this would be a swell time to break down and so I not only left stinky, dirty, and disgusting but uncompleted. Across the street is the Salvation Army where I dropped off all those bags of junk we've been looking to get rid of forever......oh except.....I forgot all the bags. My day just get's better. I finally show up two hours late to green lakes to meat some friends where we manage to hang out for a short while then get completely rained out. So we went to Panera Bread and sat around for awhile which although fun was rather uneventful. As I headed home from my little victory march I remembered that I had still a redbox to drop off so I went all the way out to tully for that. While there I remembered i had to make several deposits at the bank and grab groceries from the dollar general nearby which, of course, didn't actually have what I needed. Before returning home I also filled up the gas and skillfully forgot to pick up a much-needed chain saw chain. On a much different note I owe thanks to each and every person in my youth group for supporting me and being by my side all this time, I will never be attending again (as a student at least) and will sorely miss our times together.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
The Wolverine
August 1st,
Six years.
When I first moved here I hated it. It's been six years now and i'd do it all over again. Our apprenticeship program began four and a half years ago and that as well i was not fond of to begin with but looking back, I treasure each and every week. Today was my two-hundred and thirty-fourth apprenticeship, and my last apprenticeship. Im going to miss working with the guys.....alot. I had the privilege of taking my good friends Abigail, Gabriel, Zach, Logan, and Priscilla to see The Wolverine this evening which was very fun. after two-thousand one-hundred and ninety days of work, i'm finally done. I thank God for every last day.
In a strange way I feel like the wolverine; good at what he does, regretting where he's been, leaving what he's known, and facing what's to come.
Six years.
When I first moved here I hated it. It's been six years now and i'd do it all over again. Our apprenticeship program began four and a half years ago and that as well i was not fond of to begin with but looking back, I treasure each and every week. Today was my two-hundred and thirty-fourth apprenticeship, and my last apprenticeship. Im going to miss working with the guys.....alot. I had the privilege of taking my good friends Abigail, Gabriel, Zach, Logan, and Priscilla to see The Wolverine this evening which was very fun. after two-thousand one-hundred and ninety days of work, i'm finally done. I thank God for every last day.
In a strange way I feel like the wolverine; good at what he does, regretting where he's been, leaving what he's known, and facing what's to come.
Missed It By That Much
July 31st,
It's quite a long story but Zach, Venson, Abigail, And I worked all day to install a log on our trail head that didn't actually fit......oh well, we'll start over again tomorrow.
It's quite a long story but Zach, Venson, Abigail, And I worked all day to install a log on our trail head that didn't actually fit......oh well, we'll start over again tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Whoa.........It's A Tortoise..........Whoa......Crazy
July 30th,
My family went to a petting zoo today. I just need to say this, you have no clue what bringing ten younger siblings through a petting zoo can do to your mind. Even after years of being a father-brother I have my patience tested daily. Paul Jr.watched the tortoise cage for an hour.......... an hour. We left at nine (am) and came back at six (pm); folks it's a 45 minute drive and it takes an approximate average of an hour to get through the park......... that means driving time excluded it took us about seven hours to get through. Don't ask. Later this evening I had the privilege of meeting up with a good friend and chatting over a good cup of coffee (white chocolate mocha to be exact). That was so refreshing and I needed it so much.
My family went to a petting zoo today. I just need to say this, you have no clue what bringing ten younger siblings through a petting zoo can do to your mind. Even after years of being a father-brother I have my patience tested daily. Paul Jr.watched the tortoise cage for an hour.......... an hour. We left at nine (am) and came back at six (pm); folks it's a 45 minute drive and it takes an approximate average of an hour to get through the park......... that means driving time excluded it took us about seven hours to get through. Don't ask. Later this evening I had the privilege of meeting up with a good friend and chatting over a good cup of coffee (white chocolate mocha to be exact). That was so refreshing and I needed it so much.
Monotonous, Not Meaningless
July 29th,
Today was quite monotonous I must admit, we cleaned our Central Activity Area, Lodge, Shaded Nook, Platform Tent, and RC Picnic Area. No embellishment here truthfully. Sometimes though....now that I think of it, there's a certain educative quality to such days, sometimes we need to learn to accept that not all of life will be thrilling, we wont always be tickled by the very mention of our to-do list. That's alright, sometimes it's a blast and sometimes we just need to hold on, get through it, and reminisce the good times if we really need to.
Today was quite monotonous I must admit, we cleaned our Central Activity Area, Lodge, Shaded Nook, Platform Tent, and RC Picnic Area. No embellishment here truthfully. Sometimes though....now that I think of it, there's a certain educative quality to such days, sometimes we need to learn to accept that not all of life will be thrilling, we wont always be tickled by the very mention of our to-do list. That's alright, sometimes it's a blast and sometimes we just need to hold on, get through it, and reminisce the good times if we really need to.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Gavilized
July 28th,
I greatly enjoyed being able to wear my tux again today, man that thing is comfortable. After the service I returned home to an enormous amount of preparation for my graduation party (of which I did little). The evening was fantastic from there on, I listened to some Alt-j while taking a relaxing shower before hand to get "in the mood" and followed that by suiting up with an out of this world comfortable outfit I was given only the day before and have now decided i'm just going to live in it. As for the party itself I must say we got more than our share of rain, but that's alright. Food and music soon started the whole Shazam and before long I had seen many of the good friends I looked forward to hanging out with for the day, (except two). As is only customary and practically tradition....no...it is tradition, the majority of us trekked down the mountain into our stream where we not only jumped the blue hole (and some for the first time, and even others the first time even in our stream!) but we then proceeded to the clay slides just past our falls. These were quite amusing and by the time we had finished enveloping each other in clay we embodied quite the vogue visage I must say. Apart from Zach gashing his foot open it was an entirely successful endeavor which resulted in yet many more ridiculous pictures (of which I can't wait to see) that I am sure I'll laugh at 'til my old age. At the end of the day take away the food, the music, the games and the cards and that my friends.... that would be enough for me. Your friendship doesn't shape what I am, it makes what I am. Thank You.
Ik, ik the font is weird.
I greatly enjoyed being able to wear my tux again today, man that thing is comfortable. After the service I returned home to an enormous amount of preparation for my graduation party (of which I did little). The evening was fantastic from there on, I listened to some Alt-j while taking a relaxing shower before hand to get "in the mood" and followed that by suiting up with an out of this world comfortable outfit I was given only the day before and have now decided i'm just going to live in it. As for the party itself I must say we got more than our share of rain, but that's alright. Food and music soon started the whole Shazam and before long I had seen many of the good friends I looked forward to hanging out with for the day, (except two). As is only customary and practically tradition....no...it is tradition, the majority of us trekked down the mountain into our stream where we not only jumped the blue hole (and some for the first time, and even others the first time even in our stream!) but we then proceeded to the clay slides just past our falls. These were quite amusing and by the time we had finished enveloping each other in clay we embodied quite the vogue visage I must say. Apart from Zach gashing his foot open it was an entirely successful endeavor which resulted in yet many more ridiculous pictures (of which I can't wait to see) that I am sure I'll laugh at 'til my old age. At the end of the day take away the food, the music, the games and the cards and that my friends.... that would be enough for me. Your friendship doesn't shape what I am, it makes what I am. Thank You.
Ik, ik the font is weird.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
This Was Needed
July 27th,
I suspect many posts shall be about individuals on my next few weeks as I am sure is of the highest influence to my upcoming attention. I owe this and more to my incredible friends, the Ford's. I will elude detail but make no mistake when I say thanks to them and their caring generosity I had one of the most memorable joyful days of my year today. I couldn't thank them enough for their support especially as I leave to CAP. Thank you Don, Marianne and especially... Erin.
Today I ran a russian baptist church from 10:00- 1:30.
I suspect many posts shall be about individuals on my next few weeks as I am sure is of the highest influence to my upcoming attention. I owe this and more to my incredible friends, the Ford's. I will elude detail but make no mistake when I say thanks to them and their caring generosity I had one of the most memorable joyful days of my year today. I couldn't thank them enough for their support especially as I leave to CAP. Thank you Don, Marianne and especially... Erin.
Today I ran a russian baptist church from 10:00- 1:30.
Simple Things
July 26th,
Sometimes you don't want to be able to put it in words, because you might have to read it.
Escalation precisely describes my day, good and bad. In early July (I think) two spanish students in-particular came from spain to my hometown area to learn of our so called "culture". This is not what happened at all. They did not speak as we did, sometimes funnier, sometimes simpler, sometimes slower. I think they have it better said than we do. We can be so long-winded, so exhaustive, so.....vague. If I could list four adjectives to describe how I wish people viewed my words it would be: simple, funny, slow, and wise. This though is not all; I saw happiness, the happiness I wrote about earlier. Nora, particularly had a way of being happy about everything, and no, not vaguely happy about some passing whimsy. Just authentically happy with her life, her friends, and her place. That, to me, was amazing, to see someone so content with their life. That gives me strength, that gives me joy, that gives me peace. I do not believe enough time can be spent with such people (gifts from God). But alas......the time we have is still limited. Nora and Xabier, left today after youth group. Quite honestly I cried in the bathroom for ten minutes before I could say goodbye and keeping a dry eye since is proving difficult. I miss them as I know they miss me. Thank you Xabi for the support, thank you Nora for the friendship. Goodbye.
Sometimes you don't want to be able to put it in words, because you might have to read it.
Escalation precisely describes my day, good and bad. In early July (I think) two spanish students in-particular came from spain to my hometown area to learn of our so called "culture". This is not what happened at all. They did not speak as we did, sometimes funnier, sometimes simpler, sometimes slower. I think they have it better said than we do. We can be so long-winded, so exhaustive, so.....vague. If I could list four adjectives to describe how I wish people viewed my words it would be: simple, funny, slow, and wise. This though is not all; I saw happiness, the happiness I wrote about earlier. Nora, particularly had a way of being happy about everything, and no, not vaguely happy about some passing whimsy. Just authentically happy with her life, her friends, and her place. That, to me, was amazing, to see someone so content with their life. That gives me strength, that gives me joy, that gives me peace. I do not believe enough time can be spent with such people (gifts from God). But alas......the time we have is still limited. Nora and Xabier, left today after youth group. Quite honestly I cried in the bathroom for ten minutes before I could say goodbye and keeping a dry eye since is proving difficult. I miss them as I know they miss me. Thank you Xabi for the support, thank you Nora for the friendship. Goodbye.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
It Can Be Found
July 25th,
"I just wanna be happy"
Too many times this is said with no knowledge or understanding of how this really happens. When we say "i just wanna be happy" what we mean is; I just wanna be fulfilled and free. Thus is what we search for: to be fulfilled in life and thus enjoy it. It may be possible that there is not a single one of us who can say "that's me". Two fruits of the spirit are joy, and happiness, but look around. How many people, particularly believers, can claim that they have authentic joy, and happiness. Why I would like to know? Why is that? I believe it's because we've all fallen for two enormous lies; the first, that our troubles are too dark, deep, and terrible for anyone (much less God) to forgive and that robs us of our ability to connect with God (the only one who can give true fulfillment). The second is that those of us who do know Christ don't understand what it really means to give everything to God and therefore hold on to a distorted sense of burdens which only Christ can shoulder. I could go further on this but that will be for another time, for now let me say that your mistakes are never too dark, deep, or secret for God to forgive, and if you do know that, you're only true way to live life is to give it all to god, everything.
"I just wanna be happy"
Too many times this is said with no knowledge or understanding of how this really happens. When we say "i just wanna be happy" what we mean is; I just wanna be fulfilled and free. Thus is what we search for: to be fulfilled in life and thus enjoy it. It may be possible that there is not a single one of us who can say "that's me". Two fruits of the spirit are joy, and happiness, but look around. How many people, particularly believers, can claim that they have authentic joy, and happiness. Why I would like to know? Why is that? I believe it's because we've all fallen for two enormous lies; the first, that our troubles are too dark, deep, and terrible for anyone (much less God) to forgive and that robs us of our ability to connect with God (the only one who can give true fulfillment). The second is that those of us who do know Christ don't understand what it really means to give everything to God and therefore hold on to a distorted sense of burdens which only Christ can shoulder. I could go further on this but that will be for another time, for now let me say that your mistakes are never too dark, deep, or secret for God to forgive, and if you do know that, you're only true way to live life is to give it all to god, everything.
Three From Here
July 24th,
Never would I have thought .8 ounces of tree would make my day so easily. Letters are honestly incredible, particularly when you've been waiting for two and a half months for it. This, so far, is my day ti'll 8am, and it gets better. The work day was long yes, but good, and overall productive. My evening was equally, nay further exciting than the morning, I must say it has been a good day and the Lord has given so much to be thankful for.
Never would I have thought .8 ounces of tree would make my day so easily. Letters are honestly incredible, particularly when you've been waiting for two and a half months for it. This, so far, is my day ti'll 8am, and it gets better. The work day was long yes, but good, and overall productive. My evening was equally, nay further exciting than the morning, I must say it has been a good day and the Lord has given so much to be thankful for.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Just Like Blood
July 23rd,
Who sleeps till noon? apparently this guy. I got the family's groceries and trimmed trees for Grandma afterward. It is also the 16th Birthday of my absolutely amazing, beautiful, and charismatic friend Priscilla. She is such a blessing to me in so many ways, I couldn't imagine life without her. Happy Birthday Priscilla ;)
Who sleeps till noon? apparently this guy. I got the family's groceries and trimmed trees for Grandma afterward. It is also the 16th Birthday of my absolutely amazing, beautiful, and charismatic friend Priscilla. She is such a blessing to me in so many ways, I couldn't imagine life without her. Happy Birthday Priscilla ;)
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Beyond Here Ther'd Be Monsters
July 21st,
It seems unfitting and even depleting of zeal to write empathetically and spiritually repetitious entries and yet equally as anti-climatic to retain to palpable practicality and factual happenings. This in-balance has been unavoidably impending since the origination of an individual journal, which, is only the ones mind now in writing. Although, as obvious as it may sound, there weighs a certain need or perhaps irking desire, for the unsaid but unaffected crave for a pleasurable diversity within the topical subjectivism of the writing.
An early hour marked my awakening none due to my previous amount of sleep. By the hour of nine a.m. I had planned out the day's schedule, prepared for the day, practiced music for the service and set up quite a few sound props. As the midday passed I had seen several of my good friends pass through the most substantial doorway of their sanctification in their christian walk by being baptized; uncluding Logan, Matt, Cayla and a few others. If you've ever read an old map you might realize the edge would say "beyond here ther'd be monsters".....that was my evening to be quite honest, many pond jumps, some volleyball, football, frisbee, and hangin'. I had a chance to hang out with my two great friends from spain Xabier and Nora. As the evening came to close I found a few burgers and hot dogs going in and some yawns going out. I barely made it through our Young Adults study but that's alright. It's now 11:57 and I have still an entire month schedule to write out and potentially three letters I should be writing. The way I see it being with my family (all of you guys) is worth countless hours of lost sleep. And yeah I have no clue what "beyond here ther'd be monsters" has to do with my evening.
It seems unfitting and even depleting of zeal to write empathetically and spiritually repetitious entries and yet equally as anti-climatic to retain to palpable practicality and factual happenings. This in-balance has been unavoidably impending since the origination of an individual journal, which, is only the ones mind now in writing. Although, as obvious as it may sound, there weighs a certain need or perhaps irking desire, for the unsaid but unaffected crave for a pleasurable diversity within the topical subjectivism of the writing.
An early hour marked my awakening none due to my previous amount of sleep. By the hour of nine a.m. I had planned out the day's schedule, prepared for the day, practiced music for the service and set up quite a few sound props. As the midday passed I had seen several of my good friends pass through the most substantial doorway of their sanctification in their christian walk by being baptized; uncluding Logan, Matt, Cayla and a few others. If you've ever read an old map you might realize the edge would say "beyond here ther'd be monsters".....that was my evening to be quite honest, many pond jumps, some volleyball, football, frisbee, and hangin'. I had a chance to hang out with my two great friends from spain Xabier and Nora. As the evening came to close I found a few burgers and hot dogs going in and some yawns going out. I barely made it through our Young Adults study but that's alright. It's now 11:57 and I have still an entire month schedule to write out and potentially three letters I should be writing. The way I see it being with my family (all of you guys) is worth countless hours of lost sleep. And yeah I have no clue what "beyond here ther'd be monsters" has to do with my evening.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Black Out
July 20th,
I found the title quite fitting today as I have been without power from friday evening ti'll 3:30 today which, reminds me, I must sincerely apologize for not posting when I said I would. Between how tired this tin can has been lately and the power outage I'm afraid this is the first "available" night I've had since the 17th. I say available although it's two in the morning, I've just begun, I've got alot to write, and I have to sing for church at 8:30 am as well as lifeguard, setup and take down, but hey if everything worked out all jazzy or something like that then I wouldn't be eighteen.
As my time progressed in the past month I quickly realized I would not be able to actually account for every day that passed (in my writing absence) so I'll do the best I can to write out the "highlights" of the past 30 days using my personal journal to roughly recall the events as will follow.
June 18th-20th,
I wrote my first letter since like fourth grade! I felt so accomplished and ehhem....It was in cursive...mhmm. My cousins were over and we hung out played a ton of games, went on a stream hike, went to the movies and ate lots of food. My interview with CAP went great!
June 22nd,
I'm just going to type exactly what's in my journal from this date, after all, isn't that what this is?
which was very neat. things got crazy when I got home though, it was Carrie's graduation party but it was pouring and there was lightning as well which canceled Me, Becca, and Logan's time to shoot as well as a zipline group Logan and I set up for earlier. This city-slicker couple also came in to camp and drove down into the middle meadow while it was raining. So someone told Logan and I that they needed to get out so we went down and tried (not knowing) that they we're fine ti'll morning. So we tried getting them out which resulted in them getting stuck further and getting more upset. We finally drove them to the lodge where they were "afraid" because it was so quiet and big.....really? So anyhow after that, one more trip to middle meadow and a boat load of troubles with our soda machine we got them safely settled back in the lodge with some food and hopes for a better day tomorrow. "
June 24th,
This day was packed, It was my first day of five as a PCC VBS Crewleader, my kids were Josephine, Edward, Bethany, and Nicole, despite they're initial shell shock they were great. I helped pulled out the Dodge Avenger from our middle meadow and split wood all evening. I also had a great call with Nathaniel as well as the "official" confrimation call from CAP. Today was also the day I received Benjamin's first letter as well as some pretty bass (that's hip/beast etc...) mixed CD's.
June 26th,
I went to see Now You See Me with Abigail and Priscilla......It was amazing.
June 29th,
This was at least the eighth day in a row i'd been sick, yah. Not much happened today except that I wrote my fifth song while manning the office.
July 4th,
Independence Day, I spent the evening at Caz Lake hanging out with Chloe, it was an awesome evening.
July 5th,
Apparently I was so sick I slept ti'll 12:50.....that's unheard of for me.
July 6th-17th,
...a crap load of work.
July 18th-19th,
A tiring apprenticeship and a really amazing youth group.
I found the title quite fitting today as I have been without power from friday evening ti'll 3:30 today which, reminds me, I must sincerely apologize for not posting when I said I would. Between how tired this tin can has been lately and the power outage I'm afraid this is the first "available" night I've had since the 17th. I say available although it's two in the morning, I've just begun, I've got alot to write, and I have to sing for church at 8:30 am as well as lifeguard, setup and take down, but hey if everything worked out all jazzy or something like that then I wouldn't be eighteen.
As my time progressed in the past month I quickly realized I would not be able to actually account for every day that passed (in my writing absence) so I'll do the best I can to write out the "highlights" of the past 30 days using my personal journal to roughly recall the events as will follow.
June 18th-20th,
I wrote my first letter since like fourth grade! I felt so accomplished and ehhem....It was in cursive...mhmm. My cousins were over and we hung out played a ton of games, went on a stream hike, went to the movies and ate lots of food. My interview with CAP went great!
June 22nd,
I'm just going to type exactly what's in my journal from this date, after all, isn't that what this is?
"6/23/13 ~CarmenIt was graduate sunday at church today and I got to stand up and state my name, future plans, and then answer a random interview question as well as being prayed for by the congregation (and getting a CD)
which was very neat. things got crazy when I got home though, it was Carrie's graduation party but it was pouring and there was lightning as well which canceled Me, Becca, and Logan's time to shoot as well as a zipline group Logan and I set up for earlier. This city-slicker couple also came in to camp and drove down into the middle meadow while it was raining. So someone told Logan and I that they needed to get out so we went down and tried (not knowing) that they we're fine ti'll morning. So we tried getting them out which resulted in them getting stuck further and getting more upset. We finally drove them to the lodge where they were "afraid" because it was so quiet and big.....really? So anyhow after that, one more trip to middle meadow and a boat load of troubles with our soda machine we got them safely settled back in the lodge with some food and hopes for a better day tomorrow. "
June 24th,
This day was packed, It was my first day of five as a PCC VBS Crewleader, my kids were Josephine, Edward, Bethany, and Nicole, despite they're initial shell shock they were great. I helped pulled out the Dodge Avenger from our middle meadow and split wood all evening. I also had a great call with Nathaniel as well as the "official" confrimation call from CAP. Today was also the day I received Benjamin's first letter as well as some pretty bass (that's hip/beast etc...) mixed CD's.
June 26th,
I went to see Now You See Me with Abigail and Priscilla......It was amazing.
June 29th,
This was at least the eighth day in a row i'd been sick, yah. Not much happened today except that I wrote my fifth song while manning the office.
July 4th,
Independence Day, I spent the evening at Caz Lake hanging out with Chloe, it was an awesome evening.
July 5th,
Apparently I was so sick I slept ti'll 12:50.....that's unheard of for me.
July 6th-17th,
...a crap load of work.
July 18th-19th,
A tiring apprenticeship and a really amazing youth group.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Well That Was Fun
July 17th,
Short of an overarching summary (not that it's exclusive or all-inclusive either) I learned a little in my "absence" i'll call it. Mostly I came to a new found appreciation for the value of communication and the importance of friendships. My somewhat topic oriented briefing will have to wait ti'll tomorrow though, although it's not that late I've got Matt, Reid, Logan, Zach, and soon Priscilla and Nora over so peace out for now guys..... God has been good to me.
Short of an overarching summary (not that it's exclusive or all-inclusive either) I learned a little in my "absence" i'll call it. Mostly I came to a new found appreciation for the value of communication and the importance of friendships. My somewhat topic oriented briefing will have to wait ti'll tomorrow though, although it's not that late I've got Matt, Reid, Logan, Zach, and soon Priscilla and Nora over so peace out for now guys..... God has been good to me.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Back To The Beauty
June 17th,
Steampunk, Antinanozation, the 80's, whatever you want to call it, I think they're beautiful.
I admire the way things were done in the victorian to civil times, it has a delicacy, a uniqueness I find innately attractive. There was respect, courtesy and chivalry from men toward women, there were mixed tapes (Carissa), and a lot, lot more. I like it. An amazing, hilarious, and heartwarming friend of mine (Ben) came up with an idea roughly like this: To abstain and refrain from laptops, iPods, Instagram, Facebook, Spotify, and texting. Instead, only call people or send letters. In my view this forces us to either actively pursue our relationships or let them stagnate. It's also particularly putting a hold on internet music, we take it for granted when there was no such thing thirty years ago nor was it nearly so easy. Make some mixed tapes, dust off those CD's, and make some of your own. That's right, get some friends together, jam, record it, put it on a disc. I have. Apart from absolute necessities of communication (i.e. work/education) I, along with a good friend will be taking strike on the modern crap and hitting it back to the good ole' days. For those of you who may actually enjoy this blog, rest-assured it will be resumed (and filled in for the absent days) in a month's time if not less. I will keep a "Life In Writing journal" (in addition to my other three) and when I come back I will do my best to fill in each and every day of my absence. I know this may loose some readers but please know neither my choice nor my blog are for putting the focus on me. I sincerely hope you will understand my slight change in lifestyle and would even dare you to join me. My address is: 4812 Cook Rd. LaFayette, NY 13084, my personal cell is 315-380-2089. I would greatly appreciate a call or yes, even a letter. Until then, God Bless you.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Be Their Light
June 16th,
With great power, comes great responsibility.
This stands true in life, particularly to arise conviction in those of us who know the gifts we have been given.
As a young adult with no car, home, job, or degree of my own it's very easy to slide into the lie that I don't have power/resources to make a difference. If you think possessions equal power to evoke change you are sadly mistaken, I have been given more power to instigate change than most men my age in the entire world. I have My god, Captain, King & Friend, Jesus Christ, He is not only the single greatest strength I possess but the reason behind my conviction to make that difference I am so capable of. I have been given health, such a large majority of the world is not only physically sick but mentally lost for whichever means. I have been given food, family and friends, these in themselves are more than millions & millions of us could ever dream of. I have been given an education, and an internet to communicate with. If that were not enough nothing would be. I know very little of the pain to be experienced in this world and yet I am brought to the point of utter desperation when things are at "my worst". The need is all but untouchable. Each one of us has the responsibility in accordance with abilities to reach out to those who are hurting and in the dark and show them the light. Our age matters not, 1 Timothy 4:12 says, "Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity." This is not a moral goody taken from Stan-Lee's set to our naive "Thou shalts", this is a statement of Christ adopted by hollywood. Luke 12:48, ...from everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. My friends, this is neither vague nor ambiguous, it's quite clear. We have been given much , we will have much asked of us, my question would be will you accept this and lead on? Luke 9:23, ..."Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. There are those who are in so much need for the truth, will we bring it to them?
With great power, comes great responsibility.
This stands true in life, particularly to arise conviction in those of us who know the gifts we have been given.
As a young adult with no car, home, job, or degree of my own it's very easy to slide into the lie that I don't have power/resources to make a difference. If you think possessions equal power to evoke change you are sadly mistaken, I have been given more power to instigate change than most men my age in the entire world. I have My god, Captain, King & Friend, Jesus Christ, He is not only the single greatest strength I possess but the reason behind my conviction to make that difference I am so capable of. I have been given health, such a large majority of the world is not only physically sick but mentally lost for whichever means. I have been given food, family and friends, these in themselves are more than millions & millions of us could ever dream of. I have been given an education, and an internet to communicate with. If that were not enough nothing would be. I know very little of the pain to be experienced in this world and yet I am brought to the point of utter desperation when things are at "my worst". The need is all but untouchable. Each one of us has the responsibility in accordance with abilities to reach out to those who are hurting and in the dark and show them the light. Our age matters not, 1 Timothy 4:12 says, "Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity." This is not a moral goody taken from Stan-Lee's set to our naive "Thou shalts", this is a statement of Christ adopted by hollywood. Luke 12:48, ...from everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. My friends, this is neither vague nor ambiguous, it's quite clear. We have been given much , we will have much asked of us, my question would be will you accept this and lead on? Luke 9:23, ..."Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. There are those who are in so much need for the truth, will we bring it to them?
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Summer's Medicine
June 15th,
In solitude we search for ourselves, In actions we illustrate ourselves, In fellowship we express that which we have become.
My youth group came out this evening and we had a lot of fun, come to think of it I was pretty much in charge. We hung out, ate, hiked, studied, sang, and just hung out some more. It's nights like these I find quite relaxing.
In solitude we search for ourselves, In actions we illustrate ourselves, In fellowship we express that which we have become.
My youth group came out this evening and we had a lot of fun, come to think of it I was pretty much in charge. We hung out, ate, hiked, studied, sang, and just hung out some more. It's nights like these I find quite relaxing.
Friday, June 14, 2013
I Guess This Is What They Call Family
June 14th,
Time ~We have less than we want, just what we need, and more than we deserve.
I was eight, I swung from forty story buildings far above the streets pummeling villains and swinging endlessly into the sky on my webs coming from my very own, brand-new Spider-Man pajama's. I had no plans, I had no worries, I just enjoyed what I had. I wonder where those years went? Sure I've got memories, I remember not caring nor knowing the time I had in my home, how quickly this would all pass. I have roughly two months left to spend with the family I just spent eighteen years with. My only thought is that I wish I had more time with these people that shaped me, loved me, changed me and forgave me. Family is a nearly nonexistent concept today, family responsibility is shunned as water from oil. I strongly advance and uphold the entity of the family, it's not something I like, it's something I need. I cannot even imagine my life without my family, I would not know my god, I would not know my friends, I would not be the man they've shaped me into. Without my family (Paul, Linda, Luke, Jotham, Wesley, Abigail, Gabriel, Phoebe, Paul Jr, Josiah, Sylvana, Evangelyn, and Kara) I would have nothing, know nothing, and be nothing I am today. Dad, you taught me to be the man who would step up when all other men give up. Mom, you gave me an education and a heart. Luke, you continually demonstrate patience and persistence in the face of difficulty. Jotham, you made me get my act together, quit being a little punk and respect Mom & Dad. Wesley, God has used you to get me over my own selfish pride and love others. Abigail, I wish I could number the ways you've encouraged me and told me I was muscular (even when I wasn't). Gabriel, you are truly a gift from God, you are so outgoing, selfless, and kind, and a much stronger man than I. Phoebe you daily give me the chance to be kind, forgiving and happy. Paul Jr, you're so smart and nerdy, I wish I was that smart at your age. Josiah, you're just like me in almost every way, just be careful where you focus all that energy and be careful. Sylvana, Eva, & Kara, your smiles are worth more than all the treasure in the world. If you have a family then spend time with them and for God's sake (literally) forgive them and move on. They are much too valuable to pass by and you have so much less time than you think.
Time ~We have less than we want, just what we need, and more than we deserve.
I was eight, I swung from forty story buildings far above the streets pummeling villains and swinging endlessly into the sky on my webs coming from my very own, brand-new Spider-Man pajama's. I had no plans, I had no worries, I just enjoyed what I had. I wonder where those years went? Sure I've got memories, I remember not caring nor knowing the time I had in my home, how quickly this would all pass. I have roughly two months left to spend with the family I just spent eighteen years with. My only thought is that I wish I had more time with these people that shaped me, loved me, changed me and forgave me. Family is a nearly nonexistent concept today, family responsibility is shunned as water from oil. I strongly advance and uphold the entity of the family, it's not something I like, it's something I need. I cannot even imagine my life without my family, I would not know my god, I would not know my friends, I would not be the man they've shaped me into. Without my family (Paul, Linda, Luke, Jotham, Wesley, Abigail, Gabriel, Phoebe, Paul Jr, Josiah, Sylvana, Evangelyn, and Kara) I would have nothing, know nothing, and be nothing I am today. Dad, you taught me to be the man who would step up when all other men give up. Mom, you gave me an education and a heart. Luke, you continually demonstrate patience and persistence in the face of difficulty. Jotham, you made me get my act together, quit being a little punk and respect Mom & Dad. Wesley, God has used you to get me over my own selfish pride and love others. Abigail, I wish I could number the ways you've encouraged me and told me I was muscular (even when I wasn't). Gabriel, you are truly a gift from God, you are so outgoing, selfless, and kind, and a much stronger man than I. Phoebe you daily give me the chance to be kind, forgiving and happy. Paul Jr, you're so smart and nerdy, I wish I was that smart at your age. Josiah, you're just like me in almost every way, just be careful where you focus all that energy and be careful. Sylvana, Eva, & Kara, your smiles are worth more than all the treasure in the world. If you have a family then spend time with them and for God's sake (literally) forgive them and move on. They are much too valuable to pass by and you have so much less time than you think.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Right Back At It
June 13th,
I was quite tired this morning from our lengthy canoe trip and had to pry myself from bed as one would pry a rusted panel door off its hinges. Although we were expecting up to five and a half inches of rain Logan, Wesley, and I still ran one of the wettest ropes course groups I can remember along with installing a second washer and dryer in our barn (beneath my room). All ended well though seeing as I did get a cappuccino and a slice of meat-lovers. That's about it.
I was quite tired this morning from our lengthy canoe trip and had to pry myself from bed as one would pry a rusted panel door off its hinges. Although we were expecting up to five and a half inches of rain Logan, Wesley, and I still ran one of the wettest ropes course groups I can remember along with installing a second washer and dryer in our barn (beneath my room). All ended well though seeing as I did get a cappuccino and a slice of meat-lovers. That's about it.
"It's Worth Fighting For"
June 10th, 11th, & 12th
Sometimes it doesn't come naturally, sometimes it's really hard to get down what's in your head.
I had the privilege and opportunity to embark on a three day canoeing expedition of sorts with Bethany, Matt and some of the family. I'll skip the meaningless jabber and cut to the point though, it was raining a lot....... like a lot. To be honest by the second day I was decently sure I had exerted all my possible energy and then some. I was ready to call it quits when I thought of something. Just as the soldier raised the mallet to drive the rod through Christ's wrist I wonder if he was thinking the same thing? I know what it feels like to be truly fully exerted so how much further did Christ push himself beyond that point? what would have happened if He would have called it quits, just once? What if when things got hard we just gave up?
Something that can only be described as irreplaceably beautiful happened the next day; the sun came out, the air was sweet and calm and I could feel the warmth in my chest. It was worth it, every last second of paddling in the rain, and every last sopping wet article of clothing. Because I didn't give up there was most literally a day of light, love, warmth and rest in store for me. My dearest friends, life is such as this. It wont be easy, there'll be rainy days, heck it'll pour. But trusting there's more to it, placing your comfort to the side, even if just for a moment we can achieve our ultimatum, our finalizing endeavor. We can struggle through it and when the clouds part and the world has done all it can to bring us down we can stand before God and watch as our faith is rewarded, as our perseverance is justified, as we finally lay down and say, "I have fought the good fight, I have ran the good race, and I have done it well". That my friends is worth fighting for.
As Frodo once asked Sam, (and for some reason I'm crying) "And what are we fighting for Sam?" "That there's some good left in this world Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for".
Sometimes it doesn't come naturally, sometimes it's really hard to get down what's in your head.
I had the privilege and opportunity to embark on a three day canoeing expedition of sorts with Bethany, Matt and some of the family. I'll skip the meaningless jabber and cut to the point though, it was raining a lot....... like a lot. To be honest by the second day I was decently sure I had exerted all my possible energy and then some. I was ready to call it quits when I thought of something. Just as the soldier raised the mallet to drive the rod through Christ's wrist I wonder if he was thinking the same thing? I know what it feels like to be truly fully exerted so how much further did Christ push himself beyond that point? what would have happened if He would have called it quits, just once? What if when things got hard we just gave up?
Something that can only be described as irreplaceably beautiful happened the next day; the sun came out, the air was sweet and calm and I could feel the warmth in my chest. It was worth it, every last second of paddling in the rain, and every last sopping wet article of clothing. Because I didn't give up there was most literally a day of light, love, warmth and rest in store for me. My dearest friends, life is such as this. It wont be easy, there'll be rainy days, heck it'll pour. But trusting there's more to it, placing your comfort to the side, even if just for a moment we can achieve our ultimatum, our finalizing endeavor. We can struggle through it and when the clouds part and the world has done all it can to bring us down we can stand before God and watch as our faith is rewarded, as our perseverance is justified, as we finally lay down and say, "I have fought the good fight, I have ran the good race, and I have done it well". That my friends is worth fighting for.
As Frodo once asked Sam, (and for some reason I'm crying) "And what are we fighting for Sam?" "That there's some good left in this world Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for".
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