Back To The Beauty

June 17th, 

  Steampunk, Antinanozation, the 80's, whatever you want to call it, I think they're beautiful.

  I admire the way things were done in the victorian to civil times, it has a delicacy, a uniqueness I find innately attractive.  There was respect, courtesy and chivalry from men toward women, there were mixed tapes (Carissa), and a lot, lot more. I like it.  An amazing, hilarious, and heartwarming friend of mine (Ben) came up with an idea roughly like this:    To abstain and refrain from laptops, iPods, Instagram, Facebook, Spotify, and texting.  Instead, only call people or send letters. In my view this forces us to either actively pursue our relationships or let them stagnate. It's also particularly putting a hold on internet music, we take it for granted when there was no such thing thirty years ago nor was it nearly so easy.  Make some mixed tapes, dust off those CD's, and make some of your own. That's right, get some friends together, jam, record it, put it on a disc.  I have.  Apart from absolute necessities of communication (i.e. work/education) I, along with a good friend will be taking strike on the modern crap and hitting it back to the good ole' days.  For those of you who may actually enjoy this blog, rest-assured it will be resumed (and filled in for the absent days) in a month's time if not less.  I will keep a "Life In Writing journal" (in addition to my other three) and when I come back I will do my best to fill in each and every day of my absence.  I know this may loose some readers but please know neither my choice nor my blog are for putting the focus on me. I sincerely hope you will understand my slight change in lifestyle and would even dare you to join me.  My address is: 4812 Cook Rd. LaFayette, NY 13084, my personal cell is 315-380-2089.   I would greatly appreciate a call or yes, even a letter.  Until then, God Bless you.

Be Their Light

June 16th,

 With great power, comes great responsibility.

  This stands true in life, particularly to arise conviction in those of us who know the gifts we have been given.

  As a young adult with no car, home, job, or degree of my own it's very easy to slide into the lie that I don't have power/resources to make a difference.  If you think possessions equal power to evoke change you are sadly mistaken, I have been given more power to instigate change than most men my age in the entire world.  I have My god, Captain, King & Friend, Jesus Christ, He is not only the single greatest strength I possess but the reason behind my conviction to make that difference I am so capable of.  I have been given health, such a large majority of the world is not only physically sick but mentally lost for whichever means.  I have been given food, family and friends, these in themselves are more than millions & millions of us could ever dream of.  I have been given an education, and an internet to communicate with.  If that were not enough nothing would be.  I know very little of the pain to be experienced in this world and yet I am brought to the point of utter desperation when things are at "my worst".  The need is all but untouchable.  Each one of us has the responsibility in accordance with abilities to reach out to those who are hurting and in the dark and show them the light.  Our age matters not, 1 Timothy 4:12 says, "Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity." This is not a moral goody taken from Stan-Lee's set to our naive "Thou shalts", this is a statement of Christ adopted by hollywood.  Luke 12:48, ...from everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.  My friends, this is neither vague nor ambiguous, it's quite clear.  We have been given much , we will have much asked of us, my question would be will you accept this and lead on?  Luke 9:23, ..."Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.  There are those who are in so much need for the truth, will we bring it to them?  

Summer's Medicine

June 15th,

  In solitude we search for ourselves, In actions we illustrate ourselves, In fellowship we express that which we have become.

  My youth group came out this evening and we had a lot of fun, come to think of it I was pretty much in charge.  We hung out, ate, hiked, studied, sang, and just hung out some more.  It's nights like these I find quite relaxing.

I Guess This Is What They Call Family

June 14th,


 Time ~We have less than we want, just what we need, and more than we deserve.

  I was eight, I swung from forty story buildings far above the streets pummeling villains and swinging endlessly into the sky on my webs coming from my very own, brand-new Spider-Man pajama's.  I had no plans, I had no worries, I just enjoyed what I had.  I wonder where those years went? Sure I've got memories, I remember not caring nor knowing the time I had in my home, how quickly this would all pass.  I have roughly two months left to spend with the family I just spent eighteen years with.  My only thought is that I wish I had more time with these people that shaped me, loved me, changed me and forgave me.  Family is a nearly nonexistent concept today, family responsibility is shunned as water from oil.  I strongly advance and uphold the entity of the family, it's not something I like, it's something I need.  I cannot even imagine my life without my family, I would not know my god, I would not know my friends, I would not be the man they've shaped me into.  Without my family (Paul, Linda, Luke, Jotham, Wesley, Abigail, Gabriel, Phoebe, Paul Jr,  Josiah, Sylvana, Evangelyn, and Kara) I would have nothing, know nothing, and be nothing I am today.   Dad, you taught me to be the man who would step up when all other men give up. Mom, you gave me an education and a heart. Luke, you continually demonstrate patience and persistence in the face of difficulty. Jotham, you made me get my act together, quit being a little punk and respect Mom & Dad.  Wesley, God has used you to get me over my own selfish pride and love others. Abigail, I wish I could number the ways you've encouraged me and told me I was muscular (even when I wasn't).  Gabriel, you are truly a gift from God, you are so outgoing, selfless, and kind, and a much stronger man than I.  Phoebe you daily give me the chance to be kind, forgiving and happy.  Paul Jr, you're so smart and nerdy, I wish I was that smart at your age.  Josiah, you're just like me in almost every way, just be careful where you focus all that energy and be careful.  Sylvana, Eva, & Kara, your smiles are worth more than all the treasure in the world.  If you have a family then spend time with them and for God's sake (literally) forgive them and move on. They are much too valuable to pass by and you have so much less time than you think.

Right Back At It

June 13th,

  I was quite tired this morning from our lengthy canoe trip and had to pry myself from bed as one would pry a rusted panel door off its hinges.  Although we were expecting up to five and a half inches of rain Logan, Wesley, and I still ran one of the wettest ropes course groups I can remember along with installing a second washer and dryer in our barn (beneath my room).  All ended well though seeing as I did get a cappuccino and a slice of meat-lovers.  That's about it.

"It's Worth Fighting For"

June 10th, 11th, & 12th

  Sometimes it doesn't come naturally, sometimes it's really hard to get down what's in your head.

  I had the privilege and opportunity to embark on a three day canoeing expedition of sorts with Bethany, Matt and some of the family.  I'll skip the meaningless jabber and cut to the point though, it was raining a lot....... like a lot.  To be honest by the second day I was decently sure I had exerted all my possible energy and then some. I was ready to call it quits when I thought of something. Just as the soldier raised the mallet to drive the rod through Christ's wrist I wonder if he was thinking the same thing? I know what it feels like to be truly fully exerted so how much further did Christ push himself beyond that point?  what would have happened if He would have called it quits, just once? What if when things got hard we just gave up?

  Something that can only be described as irreplaceably beautiful happened the next day; the sun came out, the air was sweet and calm and I could feel the warmth in my chest.  It was worth it, every last second of paddling in the rain, and every last sopping wet article of clothing.  Because I didn't give up there was most literally a day of light, love, warmth and rest in store for me.  My dearest friends, life is such as this.  It wont be easy,  there'll be rainy days, heck it'll pour.  But trusting there's more to it, placing your comfort to the side, even if just for a moment we can achieve our ultimatum, our finalizing endeavor. We can struggle through it and when the clouds part and the world has done all it can to bring us down we can stand before God and watch as our faith is rewarded, as our perseverance is justified, as we finally lay down and say, "I have fought the good fight, I have ran the good race, and I have done it well".   That my friends is worth fighting for.        

 As Frodo once asked Sam, (and for some reason I'm crying)  "And what are we fighting for Sam?" "That there's some good left in this world Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for".

It's Just Around The Bend

June 9th,

 That's what we say for the last two hours of each day when looking for a camp site.

  Two things that are fairly annual and I suppose almost traditional in our family are the New Years egg roll party (grease-fest) which seems quite odd seeing as we are of no asian origin whatsoever, in fact it's mostly polish, welch, german & austrian.  The second is our almost-annual canoeing trip.  It began when my oldest brother Luke was just tall enough to peer over the edge of the boat (but not big enough to swim) and I'm fairly certain Jotham was still in diapers, I of course didn't actually exist yet.  So here I am eighteen long years later with about a solid month of canoeing under my belt and about to depart on another trip for several days (taking off tomorrow).  Excited is not really the word I would use, I suppose it's adventurous, but it's also long, wet, buggy, and dangerous. Yes canoeing can be dangerous, I have almost drown three times and two of my siblings nearly got their heads cracked in half one time, not to mention the time we flipped over in a siphon whirlpool and were quite literally sucked to the bottom of the canoe until we could pull ourselves out with the roots reaching out from the bank beneath the surface. That was fun, especially because I was thirteen and weighed less than most watermelons.  There are so many memories to recall from past trips but that would take all night so let's just stick with the understanding that it's always unpredictable and never the same. Anyways my entries will be inevitably postponed as I am quite removed from any type of internet or even civilization until wednesday or possibly thursday, wether I will write on account of each day is unsure at the time. Until then, God Bless.

Still Human

June 8th,

  If we were all perfect that would make things a lot easier.

  Unfortunately we're not.  What started as a potential pleasing day quickly escalated into in argument in which I was addressed as many things, some of which I cannot put in my writing.  My father and I often disagree, this is no surprise.  After a somewhat one-sided lecture I was asked to leave the house (something that is becoming more and more routine the more I stand up for my beliefs) and come back when I'm "ready to be part of the family".  I know of course you may be thinking this is all a bit personal but in case you've forgotten, it's my personal journal, not a television show.  We all struggle with an immense amount of "personal" issues, that's really not up to us, they'll come when they come. What's up to us is how we face those issues when they appear and whom we choose to help us through it.  I am not perfect nor is my father, in fact we're both incredibly stubborn and even offensive when facing accusation.  In no way of course does this excuse any wrongs on either of our parts but rather interjects fact behind action so as to set the mind for a clearer understanding of the underlying dilemma .  Anyway I took off to the woods for the rest of the day, built my self a 5'x4' shelter and a fire (forgot a knife) then just chilled.  Clearly there's something out of line here, and clearly there is work to be done. Although progress with my father seems at times impossible and even unattainable that does not excuse what Christ would have us do.

Luke 6:31  Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Exodus 20:12  Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

My Burden Is Light

June 7th,

   There are two stances I can take on depression, that of one inclined to depression or that of one determined that it is not a terminal feeling/point; for the earlier cannot embrace and believe the later and remain "submerged".  We must all take a stand on what we truly, honestly believe as right, we do, will, and have everyday. Such conditions are particularly potent to the writer for within there own workings lies the subconscious ability to alter (temporarily or even permanently) the moral standpoint of his, or her, being.   Depression is inexplicably capable of altering our conscious state of mind into something monstrously beautious, and so obviously poses as a difficult subject to discuss without becoming mentally insecure in the process. Nevertheless it needs be addressed.


 Depression is the lack of joy, zeal, pleasure and purpose in our soul.  Many of us have experienced this is some form or another, some more distinctly than others.  Depression is painted on pop culture like a bad taste and it's frighteningly commonplace.  I care not to dissect the physicology of depression nor (and I know many would disagree) label it a specific or compartmentalized "disorder".  I believe there are some instances where the chemicals in one's mind are incorrect therefore causing what we call depression.  I would like to claim I know why we are depressed, it would be only natural at first to assume that this segregating, and crippling state of being is brought about or inflicted by a lack of true hope (and usually desire) for a meaningfully fulfilling life and ultimately, good.  Of course that's all fairly easy to toss into the theory pool and assume it as a grounded belief when in fact it is simply a possible cause.  another part of me would step back and say "I have no clue why it comes", and yes I say comes because it is particularly selective for me and almost hits in episodes. So why do we become depressed? I know for a fact that I have begun many days in a right state of mind and heart with God and yet I can be afflicted strongly if not the worst at these times. I also know emotional highs such as a missions trip, a night around the fire, or even a sad song can conjure an almost addictive and deadly weight inside of me.  From the viewpoint of one having been at the point where they just don't give a shit the feeling of depression is like drowning in the dark; you're just out of sight of the shore and don't care enough nor have the energy to call out for help. So you simply let your head go under, let the water steal your lungs, and watch as the faint fires of friendships bury themselves in nightmarish waves of dark, terrible, and freakish emptiness. It's a bad place to be, trust me. In no way do I wish to entertain such thoughts and even as I write this I don't want to reminisce the feelings, but i wonder just how many of us really know what it's like or if they do, how to describe it. I'll do my best.  Depression can settle in many ways, spontaneously, slowly, or even forcefully (physically).  When it arrives it's like knowing your going to fall into a very deep hole and watching your feet slowly, but irreversibly slide towards it. Now you're in the pit, and the best single adjective for the initial observation is simply empty, you are empty.
Then the swelling, a raged undercurrent of hate, fear, anger, insecurity, and separation begins to build inside you with more emotional pressure than you thought you could possibly contain. It's all downhill from here, happiness saddens you, anger confuses you, you seem lost to others attempts at "reaching out" and again; so, so alone.  Where is the escape? For some suicide and for others often a form of self harm.  Obviously these are not our initial desires, no one wakes up in well state and says "I'd like to kill myself today".  Now if you are always depressed or always struggling with some similar mental pains (usually self image) you will often wake up and wish you could die.  This is a terrible place to be and although often unconsidered from the afflicted side it is extremely painful to watch when someone goes through it.  Depression claims our lives, our hopes and our dreams and throws them in the mud.  I beg you if you are there when you read this to go to that light that hurts, i know it's hard but we both know it's the only way out; and you need to get out.  As for me and my struggles I have one aid and one alone, Jesus Christ, my hope, my life, and my healer. I am screwed up, I am struggling with a lot of things but I cannot let go.  I wont.


Matthew 11:28-30   "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Once More Into The Fray

June 6th,

  Once more into the fray, into the last good fight I will ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day.


This is all I have time to write tonight. It's also seemed to touch me in a deeper way than I can truly understand.

#3. 3/8x(13/32)

June 5th,

  Got up pretty early to pickup a washer, microwave & dryer from Liverpool. On my way back what started as a simple errand list turned into the shopping endeavor of the year.  After stopping at no less than four stores and spending three hours searching I finally found the right #3. 3/8x(13/32) neoprene seated machine head washer sprocket.  Once returned Wesley, Gabe and I set out to measure, cut and drill the new bracketing system for our pendulum swings which actually turned out to be pretty monotonously aggravating.  The day finished up with a trip to Dollar General with Abigail & Priscilla and a good frappuccino.

They Deserve Our Hearts

Today my good friends lost a son, and a brother, Jeremy Chapman.  He deserves to be recognized.  Loosing someone is never easy, always hard, and infinitely changing.  When I lost one of the first friends I had ever met I didn't even know how to feel. When I lost my cousin it felt like material being ripped from my heart, when my grandpa died it was like an iron rod driven in my chest.  Another cousin died and again I felt torn inside. I do not even know their names but I have two brothers who are with God as I write this, and I love them so much and miss them every day. Tonight I cry the same tears all those who have lost someone close have shed.  I know that those who have gone are in a better place and although true that is not my point tonight. Tonight I mean to say thank you to Anna, Bryan, Davin, Grandpa, Jeremy, Liam and John, you are not forgotten.  I love you.


Empty Chairs At Empty Tables is all too fitting.

Blast Off

June 3rd,

  Amusement parks are ironical.

After spending a crazily fun night at the Chapman's we packed up and headed for Darien Lake around seven am. When we arrived we met the Siau's and from there we split up into our groups tackling almost every ride. Around one o'clock I left all enthusiasm in the trash along with my jalapeño-filled sub wrapper, and headed for the overly lavished children's rides with Mary Christina and Hannah.  When all is accounted for you can easily and most literally spend more money on food then you would for the ticket. Forty-five bucks flew out of my pocket that day like a child out of church, it was inevitable.  Still glad I went. Thanks to everyone for making it worth while!

Nothin' Wrong With This Morton, Nothin' Wrong With This.

June 2,

  I think we all treasure those golden days when time didn't exist, it was just us, our friends, and some good music. For some of us that was today, for others it's long gone and for some it's still to come. It's truly priceless that time, isn't it?  We act as it's so.  I'm listening to music right now sitting here with Venson, chatting on OoVoO with Nate & Alex,  Facebook chatting with Ben, and texting Carissa; and I just finished swimming in the Chapman's pool with Beth, Molly, Ab, Austin, and Matt. Tomorrow we  
go to Darien Lake. It's awesome! and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it!  As avidly as we all pursue fulfillment we often fail to engage in the simple gratifications of this world, and no, not the evil gratifications, just good clean fun with friends. Go hang out some time, it can be incredibly spiritual afterward. If you're looking to reach out to someone who needs advice and a good friend spend some time having fun together. We overlook the importance of Kickin' it guys.  God didn't say "it is good" so we could all sit on our yoga mats and memorize boring chants. I know it doesn't often need be stated but go have some fun!   As Horton would say, "Nothing wrong with this Morton, Nothing wrong with this."  

Deep & Meaningful

It's a daily blog which means I write in it daily right?  It's after two, goodnight.