My Burden Is Light

June 7th,

   There are two stances I can take on depression, that of one inclined to depression or that of one determined that it is not a terminal feeling/point; for the earlier cannot embrace and believe the later and remain "submerged".  We must all take a stand on what we truly, honestly believe as right, we do, will, and have everyday. Such conditions are particularly potent to the writer for within there own workings lies the subconscious ability to alter (temporarily or even permanently) the moral standpoint of his, or her, being.   Depression is inexplicably capable of altering our conscious state of mind into something monstrously beautious, and so obviously poses as a difficult subject to discuss without becoming mentally insecure in the process. Nevertheless it needs be addressed.


 Depression is the lack of joy, zeal, pleasure and purpose in our soul.  Many of us have experienced this is some form or another, some more distinctly than others.  Depression is painted on pop culture like a bad taste and it's frighteningly commonplace.  I care not to dissect the physicology of depression nor (and I know many would disagree) label it a specific or compartmentalized "disorder".  I believe there are some instances where the chemicals in one's mind are incorrect therefore causing what we call depression.  I would like to claim I know why we are depressed, it would be only natural at first to assume that this segregating, and crippling state of being is brought about or inflicted by a lack of true hope (and usually desire) for a meaningfully fulfilling life and ultimately, good.  Of course that's all fairly easy to toss into the theory pool and assume it as a grounded belief when in fact it is simply a possible cause.  another part of me would step back and say "I have no clue why it comes", and yes I say comes because it is particularly selective for me and almost hits in episodes. So why do we become depressed? I know for a fact that I have begun many days in a right state of mind and heart with God and yet I can be afflicted strongly if not the worst at these times. I also know emotional highs such as a missions trip, a night around the fire, or even a sad song can conjure an almost addictive and deadly weight inside of me.  From the viewpoint of one having been at the point where they just don't give a shit the feeling of depression is like drowning in the dark; you're just out of sight of the shore and don't care enough nor have the energy to call out for help. So you simply let your head go under, let the water steal your lungs, and watch as the faint fires of friendships bury themselves in nightmarish waves of dark, terrible, and freakish emptiness. It's a bad place to be, trust me. In no way do I wish to entertain such thoughts and even as I write this I don't want to reminisce the feelings, but i wonder just how many of us really know what it's like or if they do, how to describe it. I'll do my best.  Depression can settle in many ways, spontaneously, slowly, or even forcefully (physically).  When it arrives it's like knowing your going to fall into a very deep hole and watching your feet slowly, but irreversibly slide towards it. Now you're in the pit, and the best single adjective for the initial observation is simply empty, you are empty.
Then the swelling, a raged undercurrent of hate, fear, anger, insecurity, and separation begins to build inside you with more emotional pressure than you thought you could possibly contain. It's all downhill from here, happiness saddens you, anger confuses you, you seem lost to others attempts at "reaching out" and again; so, so alone.  Where is the escape? For some suicide and for others often a form of self harm.  Obviously these are not our initial desires, no one wakes up in well state and says "I'd like to kill myself today".  Now if you are always depressed or always struggling with some similar mental pains (usually self image) you will often wake up and wish you could die.  This is a terrible place to be and although often unconsidered from the afflicted side it is extremely painful to watch when someone goes through it.  Depression claims our lives, our hopes and our dreams and throws them in the mud.  I beg you if you are there when you read this to go to that light that hurts, i know it's hard but we both know it's the only way out; and you need to get out.  As for me and my struggles I have one aid and one alone, Jesus Christ, my hope, my life, and my healer. I am screwed up, I am struggling with a lot of things but I cannot let go.  I wont.


Matthew 11:28-30   "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Once More Into The Fray

June 6th,

  Once more into the fray, into the last good fight I will ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day.


This is all I have time to write tonight. It's also seemed to touch me in a deeper way than I can truly understand.

#3. 3/8x(13/32)

June 5th,

  Got up pretty early to pickup a washer, microwave & dryer from Liverpool. On my way back what started as a simple errand list turned into the shopping endeavor of the year.  After stopping at no less than four stores and spending three hours searching I finally found the right #3. 3/8x(13/32) neoprene seated machine head washer sprocket.  Once returned Wesley, Gabe and I set out to measure, cut and drill the new bracketing system for our pendulum swings which actually turned out to be pretty monotonously aggravating.  The day finished up with a trip to Dollar General with Abigail & Priscilla and a good frappuccino.

They Deserve Our Hearts

Today my good friends lost a son, and a brother, Jeremy Chapman.  He deserves to be recognized.  Loosing someone is never easy, always hard, and infinitely changing.  When I lost one of the first friends I had ever met I didn't even know how to feel. When I lost my cousin it felt like material being ripped from my heart, when my grandpa died it was like an iron rod driven in my chest.  Another cousin died and again I felt torn inside. I do not even know their names but I have two brothers who are with God as I write this, and I love them so much and miss them every day. Tonight I cry the same tears all those who have lost someone close have shed.  I know that those who have gone are in a better place and although true that is not my point tonight. Tonight I mean to say thank you to Anna, Bryan, Davin, Grandpa, Jeremy, Liam and John, you are not forgotten.  I love you.


Empty Chairs At Empty Tables is all too fitting.

Blast Off

June 3rd,

  Amusement parks are ironical.

After spending a crazily fun night at the Chapman's we packed up and headed for Darien Lake around seven am. When we arrived we met the Siau's and from there we split up into our groups tackling almost every ride. Around one o'clock I left all enthusiasm in the trash along with my jalapeño-filled sub wrapper, and headed for the overly lavished children's rides with Mary Christina and Hannah.  When all is accounted for you can easily and most literally spend more money on food then you would for the ticket. Forty-five bucks flew out of my pocket that day like a child out of church, it was inevitable.  Still glad I went. Thanks to everyone for making it worth while!

Nothin' Wrong With This Morton, Nothin' Wrong With This.

June 2,

  I think we all treasure those golden days when time didn't exist, it was just us, our friends, and some good music. For some of us that was today, for others it's long gone and for some it's still to come. It's truly priceless that time, isn't it?  We act as it's so.  I'm listening to music right now sitting here with Venson, chatting on OoVoO with Nate & Alex,  Facebook chatting with Ben, and texting Carissa; and I just finished swimming in the Chapman's pool with Beth, Molly, Ab, Austin, and Matt. Tomorrow we  
go to Darien Lake. It's awesome! and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it!  As avidly as we all pursue fulfillment we often fail to engage in the simple gratifications of this world, and no, not the evil gratifications, just good clean fun with friends. Go hang out some time, it can be incredibly spiritual afterward. If you're looking to reach out to someone who needs advice and a good friend spend some time having fun together. We overlook the importance of Kickin' it guys.  God didn't say "it is good" so we could all sit on our yoga mats and memorize boring chants. I know it doesn't often need be stated but go have some fun!   As Horton would say, "Nothing wrong with this Morton, Nothing wrong with this."  

Deep & Meaningful

It's a daily blog which means I write in it daily right?  It's after two, goodnight.