October 30th,
Can a canvas tell the artist what it's going to be?
In the beginning of this month my mac I had come down to KY with promptly died, obviously I was a bit put out. As time progressed however I have found time to read, pray, and involve myself deeper in my community; most importantly I began to realize that I am being re-constructed. When I left New York I told some of you that I was not going to change, I must apologize for not being a man of my word for I did not know what I spoke of. Love has a way of changing you, a love that could only come from Christ. Yet as I set out to "widen my horizons" and "let go" I realize now that I was still holding on. I was holding on to control, I welcomed change and then beat it over the head when it came inside, for this I am sorrowful. I see now that I have not come to Kentucky to change, I have come to discover who I actually was. That has been somehow hidden from me all these years and it is humbling to awaken to the fact that my faith is so adolescent and my life but in it's infant stages. Whether it is the air in Kentucky or perhaps the mist of the mornings I am unsure, but this I do know; something here has pulled me apart before God and allowed me to slowly be pieced back together, like a master mechanic cleaning a beautiful machine, my heart is being transformed by Christ's love. What does this mean? I do not know. What I know is that it will be a long, beautiful, overpowering, and at times painful process. Even the most beautiful rings must be scorched with fire, and so I look forward to the process that lies before me, as a canvas is eager to be filled so I am eager to be filled. When the time is right for me to attain a new laptop and begin blogging daily I will gleefully do so, but until then know that I miss each and every one of you dearly and have nothing but love and life in my heart. I wish the best to you all, In Christ's grace. Your brother, Carmen~
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
October
October 1st,
Wow. October, it just..... came so fast. I am slightly confused because I actually pulled off nine hours of sleep last night (which is crazy) and yet this morning I was incredibly tired. Yesterday I captured seven and felt great.... oh well. John and I completed a fair amount of underpinning today and will hopefully return to it thursday after assisting Nate with his group. John is a strange guy and I am unsure what to think of him, he has such a dry sense of humor it's almost non-existent. Anyways we had four independents over for dinner and then watched the fifth star wars which was fun. After that I wrote Zach's letter, Skyped Symmer and hung out with Nate and Johnathan. On the work site today I was trying to figure out what to do with my anxiety and depression episodes when something Nate said earlier came to me: I am working on Christ's home, not this man's. I worked for Christ today and that makes me happy.
Wow. October, it just..... came so fast. I am slightly confused because I actually pulled off nine hours of sleep last night (which is crazy) and yet this morning I was incredibly tired. Yesterday I captured seven and felt great.... oh well. John and I completed a fair amount of underpinning today and will hopefully return to it thursday after assisting Nate with his group. John is a strange guy and I am unsure what to think of him, he has such a dry sense of humor it's almost non-existent. Anyways we had four independents over for dinner and then watched the fifth star wars which was fun. After that I wrote Zach's letter, Skyped Symmer and hung out with Nate and Johnathan. On the work site today I was trying to figure out what to do with my anxiety and depression episodes when something Nate said earlier came to me: I am working on Christ's home, not this man's. I worked for Christ today and that makes me happy.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Up Top
September 30th,
It felt good getting back to work today. John and I put up foam and rock-board for underpinning on a trailer out in Prestonsburg, about a forty-five minute drive I think. I wasn't tired either which was cool. I suppose I have gotten a lot of sleep lately actually which is surprising. When I came back I cleaned my room for awhile then helped make fish tacos with Nate and john. I wish I could have eaten them but I don't like fish, oh well, I had chili instead. Our weekly house meeting took a long time and i'm not feeling good tonight as it is. I am questioning a lot of things right now, how much I can and can't communicate with people in NY, how much of a toll certain relationships are having and so on.... it's been a long week and I have some hard stuff to sort out in my head...
It felt good getting back to work today. John and I put up foam and rock-board for underpinning on a trailer out in Prestonsburg, about a forty-five minute drive I think. I wasn't tired either which was cool. I suppose I have gotten a lot of sleep lately actually which is surprising. When I came back I cleaned my room for awhile then helped make fish tacos with Nate and john. I wish I could have eaten them but I don't like fish, oh well, I had chili instead. Our weekly house meeting took a long time and i'm not feeling good tonight as it is. I am questioning a lot of things right now, how much I can and can't communicate with people in NY, how much of a toll certain relationships are having and so on.... it's been a long week and I have some hard stuff to sort out in my head...
Sunday, September 29, 2013
The Other Side
September 26th-29th
I was commissioned friday, and now thinking of it, it was quite surreal. To say it was deep would be shallow. It was emotional, inspiring, exciting, saddening and overwhelming all at once. The candle-lit song was especially difficult and very beautiful. Today I am truly beginning to mold my shape of family within my house and understand who I am going to be with. In the evening I hung out at Jackson, played beyond balderdash, and hung out with Jess, Josef, Sarah, Anna, Priscilla, and Kelsey. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings later on which was pretty fun, I do have to say though I was having a rough evening and my amazing brother John stepped in and asked me how I was doing which in itself made all the difference in the world. Now as for Saturday, oh wait.... I went to bed at ten pm on friday and woke up at three on saturday.. yah. As for the evening of saturday we watched The Silver Linings Playbook and ate pizza. Even later into the night John made apple pie, I went on a walk with someone whom really understands me and watched The Bling Ring by myself (I wasn't really tired) Sunday I went to the union church in Berea then slept through the two and a half hour drive back home. This evening I cleaned up my stuff, played Trivial Pursuit with the house and talked to Nate for awhile about some deep stuff. Oh, and filled out my frustrating paperwork for the month.
I was commissioned friday, and now thinking of it, it was quite surreal. To say it was deep would be shallow. It was emotional, inspiring, exciting, saddening and overwhelming all at once. The candle-lit song was especially difficult and very beautiful. Today I am truly beginning to mold my shape of family within my house and understand who I am going to be with. In the evening I hung out at Jackson, played beyond balderdash, and hung out with Jess, Josef, Sarah, Anna, Priscilla, and Kelsey. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings later on which was pretty fun, I do have to say though I was having a rough evening and my amazing brother John stepped in and asked me how I was doing which in itself made all the difference in the world. Now as for Saturday, oh wait.... I went to bed at ten pm on friday and woke up at three on saturday.. yah. As for the evening of saturday we watched The Silver Linings Playbook and ate pizza. Even later into the night John made apple pie, I went on a walk with someone whom really understands me and watched The Bling Ring by myself (I wasn't really tired) Sunday I went to the union church in Berea then slept through the two and a half hour drive back home. This evening I cleaned up my stuff, played Trivial Pursuit with the house and talked to Nate for awhile about some deep stuff. Oh, and filled out my frustrating paperwork for the month.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
A Time And Place
September 25th,
Honesty.
When we hear this some of us hear truthfulness, some of us bravery, some of us hear idiocy, some of us vulnerability, and some of us fear and pain. The fact is honesty can mean all of these at once and that's why it's so huge, it is an unlimited action, it has no boundaries; the personal reveal of complete honesty will open our frame to construction or destruction. It's easy to skip honesty as a whole though... i mean who would go through all that just to say they're being honest? It's not about just going through the action of being honest. Honesty is synonymous with guilt in the way that it is a path way to a lifestyle not a style of life. Honesty at it's largest is the action of living a singularly motivated lifestyle through our words and actions. This doesn't mean this lifestyle must be instantaneously expressed exposed and unraveled before all eyes, there are times and places for that, this means living as one person based on a singular set of values. How much others know of this walk and where it is is not a matter of honesty it's a choice of transparency. Within all this lies many definitions for many people and what we do with this will decide whether we are ready to grow or not.
Honesty.
When we hear this some of us hear truthfulness, some of us bravery, some of us hear idiocy, some of us vulnerability, and some of us fear and pain. The fact is honesty can mean all of these at once and that's why it's so huge, it is an unlimited action, it has no boundaries; the personal reveal of complete honesty will open our frame to construction or destruction. It's easy to skip honesty as a whole though... i mean who would go through all that just to say they're being honest? It's not about just going through the action of being honest. Honesty is synonymous with guilt in the way that it is a path way to a lifestyle not a style of life. Honesty at it's largest is the action of living a singularly motivated lifestyle through our words and actions. This doesn't mean this lifestyle must be instantaneously expressed exposed and unraveled before all eyes, there are times and places for that, this means living as one person based on a singular set of values. How much others know of this walk and where it is is not a matter of honesty it's a choice of transparency. Within all this lies many definitions for many people and what we do with this will decide whether we are ready to grow or not.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Invest In Each Other
September 24th,
We talked about being invested in our community yesterday. We talked about giving up your time and energy for others. These things are great on paper but in person, oh they are so much more different and so often difficult. I am realizing now how much we need each other, how much we really, truly need someone, maybe even a stranger to ask us how we're doing and how we're feeling. This looks completely different in every situation but it's the same concept at heart: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I want someone to ask how my day was, I want someone to care how I am, want to share my joys and pains and in the end.... I don't want to be alone. So I determine what that would look like in action and do the same for others. We are often quick to admit we have many problems, but why cant we consider that of others? We talk our talks and walk our walks as if we had no clue we are all screwed up ti'll someone tells us so. I'm going to make an absolute general statement for every human breathing today; Every single person is struggling every single day. So be kind, don't throw on that label, talk to them, and show them you care.
We talked about being invested in our community yesterday. We talked about giving up your time and energy for others. These things are great on paper but in person, oh they are so much more different and so often difficult. I am realizing now how much we need each other, how much we really, truly need someone, maybe even a stranger to ask us how we're doing and how we're feeling. This looks completely different in every situation but it's the same concept at heart: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I want someone to ask how my day was, I want someone to care how I am, want to share my joys and pains and in the end.... I don't want to be alone. So I determine what that would look like in action and do the same for others. We are often quick to admit we have many problems, but why cant we consider that of others? We talk our talks and walk our walks as if we had no clue we are all screwed up ti'll someone tells us so. I'm going to make an absolute general statement for every human breathing today; Every single person is struggling every single day. So be kind, don't throw on that label, talk to them, and show them you care.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Day Two
September 23rd,
Not all aspects of my orientation are as splendorous or grand as others. History is enlightening but not entertaining, procedure is necessary but not amusing. But these things had to be covered none the less. I'm considerably tired at the moment so with that in mind I regret to leave this entry so barren and no doubt there were many happenings today but alas, even I need some sleep.
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