June 9th,
That's what we say for the last two hours of each day when looking for a camp site.
Two things that are fairly annual and I suppose almost traditional in our family are the New Years egg roll party (grease-fest) which seems quite odd seeing as we are of no asian origin whatsoever, in fact it's mostly polish, welch, german & austrian. The second is our almost-annual canoeing trip. It began when my oldest brother Luke was just tall enough to peer over the edge of the boat (but not big enough to swim) and I'm fairly certain Jotham was still in diapers, I of course didn't actually exist yet. So here I am eighteen long years later with about a solid month of canoeing under my belt and about to depart on another trip for several days (taking off tomorrow). Excited is not really the word I would use, I suppose it's adventurous, but it's also long, wet, buggy, and dangerous. Yes canoeing can be dangerous, I have almost drown three times and two of my siblings nearly got their heads cracked in half one time, not to mention the time we flipped over in a siphon whirlpool and were quite literally sucked to the bottom of the canoe until we could pull ourselves out with the roots reaching out from the bank beneath the surface. That was fun, especially because I was thirteen and weighed less than most watermelons. There are so many memories to recall from past trips but that would take all night so let's just stick with the understanding that it's always unpredictable and never the same. Anyways my entries will be inevitably postponed as I am quite removed from any type of internet or even civilization until wednesday or possibly thursday, wether I will write on account of each day is unsure at the time. Until then, God Bless.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Still Human
June 8th,
If we were all perfect that would make things a lot easier.
Unfortunately we're not. What started as a potential pleasing day quickly escalated into in argument in which I was addressed as many things, some of which I cannot put in my writing. My father and I often disagree, this is no surprise. After a somewhat one-sided lecture I was asked to leave the house (something that is becoming more and more routine the more I stand up for my beliefs) and come back when I'm "ready to be part of the family". I know of course you may be thinking this is all a bit personal but in case you've forgotten, it's my personal journal, not a television show. We all struggle with an immense amount of "personal" issues, that's really not up to us, they'll come when they come. What's up to us is how we face those issues when they appear and whom we choose to help us through it. I am not perfect nor is my father, in fact we're both incredibly stubborn and even offensive when facing accusation. In no way of course does this excuse any wrongs on either of our parts but rather interjects fact behind action so as to set the mind for a clearer understanding of the underlying dilemma . Anyway I took off to the woods for the rest of the day, built my self a 5'x4' shelter and a fire (forgot a knife) then just chilled. Clearly there's something out of line here, and clearly there is work to be done. Although progress with my father seems at times impossible and even unattainable that does not excuse what Christ would have us do.
Luke 6:31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
If we were all perfect that would make things a lot easier.
Unfortunately we're not. What started as a potential pleasing day quickly escalated into in argument in which I was addressed as many things, some of which I cannot put in my writing. My father and I often disagree, this is no surprise. After a somewhat one-sided lecture I was asked to leave the house (something that is becoming more and more routine the more I stand up for my beliefs) and come back when I'm "ready to be part of the family". I know of course you may be thinking this is all a bit personal but in case you've forgotten, it's my personal journal, not a television show. We all struggle with an immense amount of "personal" issues, that's really not up to us, they'll come when they come. What's up to us is how we face those issues when they appear and whom we choose to help us through it. I am not perfect nor is my father, in fact we're both incredibly stubborn and even offensive when facing accusation. In no way of course does this excuse any wrongs on either of our parts but rather interjects fact behind action so as to set the mind for a clearer understanding of the underlying dilemma . Anyway I took off to the woods for the rest of the day, built my self a 5'x4' shelter and a fire (forgot a knife) then just chilled. Clearly there's something out of line here, and clearly there is work to be done. Although progress with my father seems at times impossible and even unattainable that does not excuse what Christ would have us do.
Luke 6:31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
Friday, June 7, 2013
My Burden Is Light
June 7th,
There are two stances I can take on depression, that of one inclined to depression or that of one determined that it is not a terminal feeling/point; for the earlier cannot embrace and believe the later and remain "submerged". We must all take a stand on what we truly, honestly believe as right, we do, will, and have everyday. Such conditions are particularly potent to the writer for within there own workings lies the subconscious ability to alter (temporarily or even permanently) the moral standpoint of his, or her, being. Depression is inexplicably capable of altering our conscious state of mind into something monstrously beautious, and so obviously poses as a difficult subject to discuss without becoming mentally insecure in the process. Nevertheless it needs be addressed.
Depression is the lack of joy, zeal, pleasure and purpose in our soul. Many of us have experienced this is some form or another, some more distinctly than others. Depression is painted on pop culture like a bad taste and it's frighteningly commonplace. I care not to dissect the physicology of depression nor (and I know many would disagree) label it a specific or compartmentalized "disorder". I believe there are some instances where the chemicals in one's mind are incorrect therefore causing what we call depression. I would like to claim I know why we are depressed, it would be only natural at first to assume that this segregating, and crippling state of being is brought about or inflicted by a lack of true hope (and usually desire) for a meaningfully fulfilling life and ultimately, good. Of course that's all fairly easy to toss into the theory pool and assume it as a grounded belief when in fact it is simply a possible cause. another part of me would step back and say "I have no clue why it comes", and yes I say comes because it is particularly selective for me and almost hits in episodes. So why do we become depressed? I know for a fact that I have begun many days in a right state of mind and heart with God and yet I can be afflicted strongly if not the worst at these times. I also know emotional highs such as a missions trip, a night around the fire, or even a sad song can conjure an almost addictive and deadly weight inside of me. From the viewpoint of one having been at the point where they just don't give a shit the feeling of depression is like drowning in the dark; you're just out of sight of the shore and don't care enough nor have the energy to call out for help. So you simply let your head go under, let the water steal your lungs, and watch as the faint fires of friendships bury themselves in nightmarish waves of dark, terrible, and freakish emptiness. It's a bad place to be, trust me. In no way do I wish to entertain such thoughts and even as I write this I don't want to reminisce the feelings, but i wonder just how many of us really know what it's like or if they do, how to describe it. I'll do my best. Depression can settle in many ways, spontaneously, slowly, or even forcefully (physically). When it arrives it's like knowing your going to fall into a very deep hole and watching your feet slowly, but irreversibly slide towards it. Now you're in the pit, and the best single adjective for the initial observation is simply empty, you are empty.
Then the swelling, a raged undercurrent of hate, fear, anger, insecurity, and separation begins to build inside you with more emotional pressure than you thought you could possibly contain. It's all downhill from here, happiness saddens you, anger confuses you, you seem lost to others attempts at "reaching out" and again; so, so alone. Where is the escape? For some suicide and for others often a form of self harm. Obviously these are not our initial desires, no one wakes up in well state and says "I'd like to kill myself today". Now if you are always depressed or always struggling with some similar mental pains (usually self image) you will often wake up and wish you could die. This is a terrible place to be and although often unconsidered from the afflicted side it is extremely painful to watch when someone goes through it. Depression claims our lives, our hopes and our dreams and throws them in the mud. I beg you if you are there when you read this to go to that light that hurts, i know it's hard but we both know it's the only way out; and you need to get out. As for me and my struggles I have one aid and one alone, Jesus Christ, my hope, my life, and my healer. I am screwed up, I am struggling with a lot of things but I cannot let go. I wont.
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
There are two stances I can take on depression, that of one inclined to depression or that of one determined that it is not a terminal feeling/point; for the earlier cannot embrace and believe the later and remain "submerged". We must all take a stand on what we truly, honestly believe as right, we do, will, and have everyday. Such conditions are particularly potent to the writer for within there own workings lies the subconscious ability to alter (temporarily or even permanently) the moral standpoint of his, or her, being. Depression is inexplicably capable of altering our conscious state of mind into something monstrously beautious, and so obviously poses as a difficult subject to discuss without becoming mentally insecure in the process. Nevertheless it needs be addressed.
Depression is the lack of joy, zeal, pleasure and purpose in our soul. Many of us have experienced this is some form or another, some more distinctly than others. Depression is painted on pop culture like a bad taste and it's frighteningly commonplace. I care not to dissect the physicology of depression nor (and I know many would disagree) label it a specific or compartmentalized "disorder". I believe there are some instances where the chemicals in one's mind are incorrect therefore causing what we call depression. I would like to claim I know why we are depressed, it would be only natural at first to assume that this segregating, and crippling state of being is brought about or inflicted by a lack of true hope (and usually desire) for a meaningfully fulfilling life and ultimately, good. Of course that's all fairly easy to toss into the theory pool and assume it as a grounded belief when in fact it is simply a possible cause. another part of me would step back and say "I have no clue why it comes", and yes I say comes because it is particularly selective for me and almost hits in episodes. So why do we become depressed? I know for a fact that I have begun many days in a right state of mind and heart with God and yet I can be afflicted strongly if not the worst at these times. I also know emotional highs such as a missions trip, a night around the fire, or even a sad song can conjure an almost addictive and deadly weight inside of me. From the viewpoint of one having been at the point where they just don't give a shit the feeling of depression is like drowning in the dark; you're just out of sight of the shore and don't care enough nor have the energy to call out for help. So you simply let your head go under, let the water steal your lungs, and watch as the faint fires of friendships bury themselves in nightmarish waves of dark, terrible, and freakish emptiness. It's a bad place to be, trust me. In no way do I wish to entertain such thoughts and even as I write this I don't want to reminisce the feelings, but i wonder just how many of us really know what it's like or if they do, how to describe it. I'll do my best. Depression can settle in many ways, spontaneously, slowly, or even forcefully (physically). When it arrives it's like knowing your going to fall into a very deep hole and watching your feet slowly, but irreversibly slide towards it. Now you're in the pit, and the best single adjective for the initial observation is simply empty, you are empty.
Then the swelling, a raged undercurrent of hate, fear, anger, insecurity, and separation begins to build inside you with more emotional pressure than you thought you could possibly contain. It's all downhill from here, happiness saddens you, anger confuses you, you seem lost to others attempts at "reaching out" and again; so, so alone. Where is the escape? For some suicide and for others often a form of self harm. Obviously these are not our initial desires, no one wakes up in well state and says "I'd like to kill myself today". Now if you are always depressed or always struggling with some similar mental pains (usually self image) you will often wake up and wish you could die. This is a terrible place to be and although often unconsidered from the afflicted side it is extremely painful to watch when someone goes through it. Depression claims our lives, our hopes and our dreams and throws them in the mud. I beg you if you are there when you read this to go to that light that hurts, i know it's hard but we both know it's the only way out; and you need to get out. As for me and my struggles I have one aid and one alone, Jesus Christ, my hope, my life, and my healer. I am screwed up, I am struggling with a lot of things but I cannot let go. I wont.
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Once More Into The Fray
June 6th,
Once more into the fray, into the last good fight I will ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day.
This is all I have time to write tonight. It's also seemed to touch me in a deeper way than I can truly understand.
Once more into the fray, into the last good fight I will ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day.
This is all I have time to write tonight. It's also seemed to touch me in a deeper way than I can truly understand.
#3. 3/8x(13/32)
June 5th,
Got up pretty early to pickup a washer, microwave & dryer from Liverpool. On my way back what started as a simple errand list turned into the shopping endeavor of the year. After stopping at no less than four stores and spending three hours searching I finally found the right #3. 3/8x(13/32) neoprene seated machine head washer sprocket. Once returned Wesley, Gabe and I set out to measure, cut and drill the new bracketing system for our pendulum swings which actually turned out to be pretty monotonously aggravating. The day finished up with a trip to Dollar General with Abigail & Priscilla and a good frappuccino.
Got up pretty early to pickup a washer, microwave & dryer from Liverpool. On my way back what started as a simple errand list turned into the shopping endeavor of the year. After stopping at no less than four stores and spending three hours searching I finally found the right #3. 3/8x(13/32) neoprene seated machine head washer sprocket. Once returned Wesley, Gabe and I set out to measure, cut and drill the new bracketing system for our pendulum swings which actually turned out to be pretty monotonously aggravating. The day finished up with a trip to Dollar General with Abigail & Priscilla and a good frappuccino.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
They Deserve Our Hearts
Today my good friends lost a son, and a brother, Jeremy Chapman. He deserves to be recognized. Loosing someone is never easy, always hard, and infinitely changing. When I lost one of the first friends I had ever met I didn't even know how to feel. When I lost my cousin it felt like material being ripped from my heart, when my grandpa died it was like an iron rod driven in my chest. Another cousin died and again I felt torn inside. I do not even know their names but I have two brothers who are with God as I write this, and I love them so much and miss them every day. Tonight I cry the same tears all those who have lost someone close have shed. I know that those who have gone are in a better place and although true that is not my point tonight. Tonight I mean to say thank you to Anna, Bryan, Davin, Grandpa, Jeremy, Liam and John, you are not forgotten. I love you.
Empty Chairs At Empty Tables is all too fitting.
Empty Chairs At Empty Tables is all too fitting.
Blast Off
June 3rd,
Amusement parks are ironical.
After spending a crazily fun night at the Chapman's we packed up and headed for Darien Lake around seven am. When we arrived we met the Siau's and from there we split up into our groups tackling almost every ride. Around one o'clock I left all enthusiasm in the trash along with my jalapeño-filled sub wrapper, and headed for the overly lavished children's rides with Mary Christina and Hannah. When all is accounted for you can easily and most literally spend more money on food then you would for the ticket. Forty-five bucks flew out of my pocket that day like a child out of church, it was inevitable. Still glad I went. Thanks to everyone for making it worth while!
Amusement parks are ironical.
After spending a crazily fun night at the Chapman's we packed up and headed for Darien Lake around seven am. When we arrived we met the Siau's and from there we split up into our groups tackling almost every ride. Around one o'clock I left all enthusiasm in the trash along with my jalapeño-filled sub wrapper, and headed for the overly lavished children's rides with Mary Christina and Hannah. When all is accounted for you can easily and most literally spend more money on food then you would for the ticket. Forty-five bucks flew out of my pocket that day like a child out of church, it was inevitable. Still glad I went. Thanks to everyone for making it worth while!
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